Jarv's Birthday Series Redux: Surf Ninjas (1993)

Fuck you Rob Schneider, you despicable, talentless, unfunny, obnoxious cunt. You’re a fucking malignant presence on screen and you’ve never made a film that remotely qualifies as being even mediocre. Surf Ninjas (20th August in the USA) is one of his first outings and typically for the man is a wretched, painful and tedious family comedy with less funny moments than Citizen Kane. I endured this fucking tripe with a grimace on my face and a piece of my soul dying with every single piss poor excuse for comedy that flashed across the screen.

Contains massive cunt Rob Schneider and spoilers below.

Fuck this film. It’s awful. It’s basically about these annoying LA kids Jonny and Adam (Ernie Rays Jr and Nicolas Cowan) who are heirs to the kingdom of some generic sounding Asian name. Evil general Chi (Leslie Nielsen, completely wasted) sends some ninjas to LA to kill the boys. Protected by Zatch (Ernie Rays Sr), the boys spend their days goofing around, hanging around with Rob Schneider’s Iggy and surfing. Eventually, they hook up with Tone Loc’s copper and travel to generic Asian Kingdom where Johnny and Adam manifest their skills (lame-fu and magic Game Gear respectively), hook up with Kelly Hu’s Rachel (also completely wasted) and win the revolutionary war.

It really would be a crying fucking shame if they crashed the car and died in the flaming wreckage.

This film is downright horrible. It’s a comedy that’s not funny, an action film with awful action and is absolutely dreadful to sit through. Rob Schneider is particularly grating, but he’s not alone. Reyes Jr is wooden, Hu looks faintly embarrassed to be in it, and fuck knows what the hell Nielsen is playing at. I like Nielsen, and think he’s a superb comic actor, but he’s honestly not putting in any effort here at all.

I can’t say I blame him actually, as he’s got a mountain to overcome. The most visible problem is his costume, which is ridiculous and covers half his face with a Dr. Doom knockoff mask. He’s also got some risible physical comedy to perform, that’s so badly choreographed that even Neilsen can’t get over it. The second problem he has, which to be fair they all have, is the script which singularly fails to deliver even the vaguest resemblance of a funny line. Furthermore, the characters are all appallingly written cyphers and it did make me feel a bit sorry for all of them, even Schneider.

Adam can’t find Spain on the map. A career in Fox News or US politics awaits…

I know that sounds insane, but his character Iggy is basically a functional retard. There’s some stupid dialogue at the beginning about how if they knew who their real parents were then they’d be kings or something, but for some reason Iggy takes this seriously. He then spends the rest of the film talking about how the two brothers are “decoys” and that he’s the real king in waiting not them. The first time he does this it’s not funny, but by the end of the film it’s simply painful. This isn’t the only awful running gag the poor bastard is stuck with- there’s an awful joke that recurs with his character having never surfed in his life, and they just won’t let it go. Schneider sucks, but with material as weak as the nonsense he has to deal with here, it’s not really his fault.

Surf’s Up. Where’s Jaws when you need him?

So much of this film is arrant hogwash, but there are a couple of sequences in particular that I’d like to be rude about. The first is the car surfing scene near the start of the film. This, frankly awful, sequence has them all doing idiotic poses in the passenger seats while Schneider tries to drive while also pulling the same stupid stuff. I was openly praying for them to crash the car and end the suffering, but I do appreciate that it wouldn’t have made a film if you kill all three of the main characters in the first 5 minutes.

Secondly, Surf Ninjas may have possibly the single lamest thing in the history of cinema. This device is so lame that it makes your average quadriplegic look like Usain Bolt. Adam, as mentioned above, has magic powers. These manifest in his psychic Sega Game Gear which he uses to see what’s about to happen and so forth. This culminates in him actually using it in battle to help his brother out by remotely controlling Leslie Nielsen’s metal arm and having him punch himself in the bollocks. If you think that’s fucking funny go and fucking sit in the corner and don’t fucking come out until I tell you.

“CAN YOU DIG IT?” Frankly, Leslie, No I fucking can’t.

Fuck this film. There’s honestly not one redeeming feature to it. I normally go on a bit longer and have a few things to say, but I’ve got nothing here. I just hate it too much and I think I’ve wasted far too much bandwidth on it already. Basically, at the end of the day, Surf Ninjas is a fucking horrible film, an early outlier letting us know what massive cunt Rob Schneider’s career would look like. Don’t touch this film, if you’ve downloaded it, delete it; if you own it, put it in the fucking bin now. Let’s all just go back to a world where this crap doesn’t exist and Schneider doesn’t earn millions for being Adam Sandler’s mate. Orangutan of fucking doom. Cunt.

To think I picked this one because I thought the title would be some cheesy goodness. I feel robbed.

Until next time,

Jarv.

The Full List for the Birthday Series Redux:

• 2011- The Skin I Live In (2.5 out of 4)
• 2010- The Last Exorcism (2.5 out of 4)
• 2009- Post Grad (1 out of 4)
• 2008- The House Bunny (1 out of 4)
• 2007- Knocked Up (1 out of 4)
• 2006- Volver (1 out of 4)
• 2005- Red Eye (2 out of 4)
• 2004- Dead Clowns (Orangutan of Doom)
• 2003- Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (1 out of 4)
• 2002- Talk to Her (4 out of 4)
• 2001- Jeepers Creepers (2 out of 4)
• 2000- Gossip (1 out of 4)
• 1999- All About My Mother (1 out of 4)
• 1998- The X-Files (1 out of 4)
• 1997- Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion (2 out of 4)
• 1996- The Last Supper (3 out of 4)
• 1995- The Usual Suspects (4 out of 4)
• 1994- Color of Night (2 out of 4)
• 1993- Surf Ninjas (Orangutan of Doom)
• 1992- The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag
• 1991- Pump Up the Volume
• 1990- Wild at Heart
• 1989- Bull Durham
• 1988- Crossing Delancey
• 1987- The Big Easy
• 1986- Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
• 1985- Better off Dead
• 1984- Oxford Blues
• 1983- MetalStorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn
• 1982- The Thing
• 1981- Honky Tonk Freeway
• 1980- Schock
• 1979- Rich Kids
• 1978- Coma

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