Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)
I’ve struggled and struggled with this review, because the whole Lara Croft on the big screen fiasco gets me down, and I didn’t want to approach it like I would with a normal, and now happily defunct, video game series review. If I’m absolutely honest, the Tomb Raider games were never really my cup of tea, and all the original movie had going for it was the outstanding Leftfield-heavy soundtrack. Nevertheless, the damned thing made a lot of cash, as was inevitable for one of the biggest games franchises of all time, so on 22nd August 2003 the UK was privileged to have the sequel, the laughably titled Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, inflicted on it. I’m really trying hard to be open minded with this review, but I honestly hate these films for being a ridiculously easy open goal missed, and if it comes across, then I apologise in advance.
May contain Angelina Jolie with fake boobs and spoilers below.
Pointless piece of trivia time: Lara Croft wears an F Cup in the games. How do I know this? Well, at the time, the makers of the original made a big deal about how Angelina Jolie was cast, and to make her more like Lara Croft the avatar they had to pad her bust. I’m not sure how big the cup she ended up with was (Wikipedia tells me it’s a D), but it wasn’t anywhere near the size of sweater bazooka that Lara Croft actually packed. Eventually, in the early 21st Century, sanity prevailed and Eidos lowered the boob size to make her more realistic. Anyway, this farrago over boob size is indicative of why I hate these films, and most video game adaptations in general: it’s pandering to the fan group over an unnecessary and frankly irrelevant detail when they’ve basically thrown the rest of the game in the trash anyway. Who honestly cares what size English aristocrat Croft’s tits are when a) They’re over a C cup and b)Angelina Jolie is miscast in the part? Not me.
“Angelina, Babe, I’m telling youse that you just don’t need the padding. Seriously, would I lie to you?”
This should be so, so easy. The premise of the games almost beg for a film adaptation, because let’s face it, this is Indiana Jones with tits. Yet for some reason there has been two attempts at it and two rubbish films. I find it utterly incomprehensible that this is such a failure, because I honestly reckon that almost anyone could use Indy as the template and basically turn in a cracking little action adventure film. Instead, the two films are loud, obnoxious, boring, CGI riddled exercises in crass 21st Century action, and are utterly soulless and totally devoid of wit.
Insert obvious joke about riding here.
We all know how Indiana Jones works, certainly Eidos did, yet it is almost totally beyond the adapters to make a good film. This time out, the Macguffin is Pandora’s Box, which may or may not contain some terrible über-disease (I’m insanely pleased that I now know how to insert umlauts and whatnot into posts, by the by)that will eliminate all human life on the planet. To get the box, they have to find the location of the titular Cradle of Life, which will itself be revealed by a glowing ball thingummy. Unfortunately, evil scientist Jonathan Reiss (Ciarán Hinds) also wants the box. Luckily Lara can call for help from old squeeze Terry (Gerard Butler), an ex-SAS meathead with a major greed problem. So, blah de blah, our Tomb Raider cracks the clue to the cradle of life, deals with a load of terrible effects and doesn’t take Pandora’s box. Incidentally, an annoying touch to the film is that in the cradle the laws of physics don’t work. What a terrible idea, particularly given that they do practically nothing with it.
Hur hur hur. Ball fondling.
This is a bad film. It’s full of extraneous and annoying characters (step forward Lara’s flunkies (Chris Barrie and Noah Taylor), boring and unnecessary details, while the plot is about as compelling as a paint by numbers picture. The whole film feels like an attempt to jam as many exotic locations, bombastic stunts and crap effects into its bloated run time as possible. Take, for example, the flying-squirrel suit jump thing: in my opinion this is an almost perfect encapsulation of everything that’s wrong with the film- flash location + “cool” stunt (base jumping was that year’s extreme sport of choice) + stupid dialogue= Lara accomplished absolutely nothing that she couldn’t have achieved via the more mundane means of getting a taxi. It’s an almost entirely pointless sequence.
Chicks dig guns. Fact.
I’m struggling here, because I haven’t got a lot to say as this is such an obviously bad film. Jolie and Butler are clearly miscast, which is an inevitable consequence of miscasting Jolie in the first film, and his attempts at roguish charm grate horribly. The “love” sequence feels amazingly forced, and the whole relationship almost seems to be against Croft’s character. I know she’s all rough-and-tumble, but he’s such an obvious dick, them making bloody cow eyes at each other explaining how they can never kill the other one just had me clenching my teeth in hatred. Hines, an actor I normally like, hasn’t got the moustache twirling chops to play a villain as dumb as this one, and the less said about the support, particularly Djimon Hounsou’s ethnic stereotype guide the better.
“Fly, my pretties, fly. Well, at least glide for a bit”
Then there are the effects. The “shadow guardian” sequences are risibly bad, and the cradle itself is a laughably inept piece of design. The glowing ball that responds to music looks not unlike the solar lamps outside our house in Spain, and, to sum up, for this budget at this time there’s really no excuse for this level of incompetence. Really, the effects in the film, as befitting the film as a whole, feel as if nobody gave a toss and Jolie can witter on about her “responsibility” portraying Croft as much as she likes and I’m not convinced that this was anything more than collecting a cheque for her.
Seriously, Angelina, I’m telling you that your boobs are fine. Please don’t hit me again. Particularly not there.
Overall, this is a shit film. I’m not Orangutan of Dooming it, although it is sorely tempting, for a few reasons. Firstly, it is better than the first one (small accolade that that is), secondly the physical stunts are genuinely not awful, and the soundtrack is again good (albeit nowhere near the same league as the first one). Nevertheless, it’s a piss poor piece of cinema, and in all honesty writing this review has been an absolute chore that has sapped my soul. I not only do not care in the slightest about this film, but I’ve practically bloody forgotten the damned thing and so was nearly forced to rewatch it again to prompt my memory. Seriously, if I’d waited another 24 hours, I’d have had to redo this. As a result, I’m giving it one pogo stick sans naked Angelina Jolie out of a possible 4, and I have to say, in the name of everything sacred, I hope that nobody ever attempts another Lara Croft film.
It should be Indiana Jones with tits, yet it’s actually just tits. I’m going back to a happier place where I can forget this garbage exists, and I suggest everyone reading this does the same.
Until next time,
Jarv
The Full List for the Birthday Series Redux:
- 2011- The Skin I Live In (2.5 out of 4)
- 2010- The Last Exorcism (2.5 out of 4)
- 2009- Post Grad (1 out of 4)
- 2008- The House Bunny (1 out of 4)
- 2007- Knocked Up (1 out of 4)
- 2006- Volver (1 out of 4)
- 2005- Red Eye (2 out of 4)
- 2004- Dead Clowns (Orangutan of Doom)
- 2003- Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (1 out of 4)
- 2002- Talk to Her
- 2001- Jeepers Creepers
- 2000- Gossip
- 1999- All About My Mother
- 1998- The X-Files
- 1997- Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion
- 1996- The Last Supper
- 1995- The Usual Suspects
- 1994- The Color of Night
- 1993- Surf Ninjas
- 1992- The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag
- 1991- Pump Up the Volume
- 1990- Wild at Heart
- 1989- Bull Durham
- 1988- Crossing Delancey
- 1987- The Big Easy
- 1986- Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
- 1985- Better off Dead
- 1984- Oxford Blues
- 1983- MetalStorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn
- 1982- The Thing
- 1981- Honky Tonk Freeway
- 1980- Schock
- 1979- Rich Kids
- 1978- Coma
Barfy
kloipy
Echo the Bunnyman
Judge Droid
Jarv
ThereWolf
Xiphos0311
I don’t really remember this film, apart from some underwater shenanigans. All I recall is that I thought it was substantially better than the first one. But I flat out loathed the first one, so it didn’t need to be a lot better to get that reaction.
Consider yourself lucky. I wish I didn’t.
You know, I like boobs, but making Angelina Jolie (who’s got decent cans anyway) wear ridiculous padding is such a moronically immature and boneheaded thing to do. Here’s an idea. Instead of focusing on how big her funbags are, focus your efforts on creating an entertaining character, a clever, interesting story and a fun fucking movie.
That’s my point. Pisses me off intensely- that in a pathetic and juvenile need to pander to fans they padded her bust (which isn’t small anyway) and just turned in a cretinous set-piece driven borefest that only gives cursory nods to the games.
Tomb Raider should be so fucking easy that it’s infuriating what they come out with.
I’m glad they did though- because it’s all I had to talk about, really.
a competent writer and director can simultaneously focus on the story, characters and action plus the Juggs.
This was whatshisname that did Speed- I would have banked on him turning it into fun. He just failed totally.
Worried about the average of this. 9 films in. Total grades handed out: 12 lousy changs.
That means that I’m on 1 1/3 per film.
After 10, I expect this to climb to 1.5-1.6
After 11, it’ll be nearer 1.8-1.9.
From memory though, I think I’m going to end up with an average of around 1.7- which isn’t too awful
Admittedly, it is propped up hugely by the 90′s again.
Yeah I have never seen this nor more than half of the first one. Thought she was way miscast and the whole thing smacks of by the numbers film making.
She’s hopelessly miscast. There was some whinging here when she got the gig, because it should have been an English actress, apparently (as if anyone gave a fuck). She’s just not very good in the role and tries too hard with the accent at the expense of performance.
Who would’ve been a better Lara Croft? This is something I was trying to come up with regarding who could’ve played Snow White instead of Kristen Stewart. I came up empty. Not because no one else could’ve been Snow White. Just that I couldn’t think of an actress around 20 that would be better.
Rhona Mitra.
Although she’d have still been crap. Kate Beckinsale could have done it.
Beckinsale? You’re not giving me “better than Jolie”, you’re giving me “alternatives to Jolie”.
This was my problem with Snow White.
I see your point. There were lots of equally rotten choices available.
Yeah, it’s not that I’m defending Jolie, just wondering who would’ve been better. Surely there was someone!
Beckinsale would have been better. However, she would have also been bad. Er, let me think about it…
The other name is Sienna Guillory. She’d have been better than both Jolie and Beckinsale. BUT she’s not a big enough name for the role- which, I suspect, was the principal reason for casting Jolie.
Mitra can’t act. I knew this would be the answer. But she’d have been awful.
Jolie’s not acting either. She’s practising an accent.
Yeah, Rachel Weisz anyone?
Great call. Outstanding, actually.
Not sure that I’d find her convincing as an action hero.
CGI Sigourney Weaver from ’86 then.
If they were rebooting it (which they are aren’t they?) I’d probably go for Gemma Arterton.
Or maybe Imogen Poots.
Or the other Bond girl. From Die Another Day.
Rosamund Pike.
Rosamund Pike has nothing in the way of norks and ass though.
Poots is a great shout, but you could make a case for half the cast of Game of Thrones at the moment.
As for Snow White… No Idea- stewart is probably the worst call imaginable though.
Um… You suggested Kate Beckinsale, who has a chest you could land a helicopter on.
I will admit that there’s a level of bias there in that I like Beckinsale and think that her ass looks great in tight leather and Pike annoys me.
Beckinsale’s a better actress than Pike as well.
Beckinsales a terrible actress. Good lord. Take off your black leather tinted glasses.
Pike’s a shocking actress.
Beckinsale is Oscar nominated and whatnot. And it’s a really good ass.
I think you mean Razzy.
She’s not Oscar nominated. Baffled as to where you yanked that one from.
Thought she was for The English Patient. Which is a film I hate.
Benoche and whatsername. Kristen Scott Thomas.
Fuck knows where I got that from then. Fucking hate that film. Hate the Aviator too.
Are you saying that the People’s Choice Awards don’t count?
I think you’re suffering from a serious case of arse blindness.
Great arse in tight leather ≠ good actress
Very possibly.
I’ve just seen Beckinsale is in the Sharon Stone role in Total Recall remake.
TIGHT LEATHER- make it so.
Having just checked- it’s just the razzie, but she’s been nominated for all sorts of awards and won a few. Mostly for shit. Pike’s not been nominated for anything.
The only thing of note I saw was that she was included in a cast nomination for The Aviator. I’d totally forgotten she was even in it.
Saturn Award nomination for Serendipity? What the fuck is a Saturn award?
Pike has actually been nominated a number of times for recognisable awards. I’ve seen none of the films she’s nominated for though.
What the feck is a “genie award”?
The only thing I’ve heard of that either of them have been nominated for that’s remotely credible is the London Critics award, and they’ve both been up for that. Beckinsale won it, and Pike didn’t.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_Independent_Film_Award
This is quite well known, and fairly reputable.
Not really. It’s only 8 years old. Which always makes me suspicious.
Whereas the Saturn Award that we mocked is 40 years old this year.
Mind you, I’ve just looked at some of the winners:
X2, Star Wars 3, Minority Report, AI, Cloverfield, Iron Man, X-Men,
Er- that’s a bit of a joke.
The Saturn award gets mocked because it nominated Kate Beckinsale for best actress for the film Serendipity. That film sucks, and her performance is terrible. I will mock anything that nominates films and performances such as this.
Serendipity for fuck sake!
I’m not defending it. Serendipity is a downright horrible film. How is it Sci-Fi?
She also has a SAG award nomination.
I think we’ve only seen her in terrible films. It’s possible she can act, in certain roles. I’ve only seen her in Doom, DAD, Fracture, Surrogates and Wrath of the Titans. 3 of which are terrible. One is bad and the other merely passable.
Have either of them ever made an actually good film?
Beckinsale has Much Ado About Nothing as her best film, but that was her first film, and really a Branagh/ Thompson showpiece. Vacancy and Whiteout just scrape passes, as does Shooting Fish, but everything else she’s done that I’ve seen is woeful.
Pike- of those that I’ve seen on your list 2 are shite, and I’d OOD one of them for sure, whereas the third is meh at best.
I bet you that Rhona Mitra has more good films than the pair of them. I shall check.
She’s also got a good arse.
Er- no.
Doomsday, and you hate that. Mind you, I think Doomsday is better than anything Beckinsale/ Pike have done.
Hollow Man. For all its faults, its better than either Pike or Beckinsale have done.
Granted Mitra was in one scene, had no dialogue and got raped by an invisible man, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s on her CV so it counts!
Mitra FTW!
She’s a crap actress. Seriously bad, actually.
You know, we’re missing an obvious candidate: Kelly Brooke.
Right. She’s got the physique, but she also can’t act.
I’m ready to care far, far less about the acting in a Lara Croft movie if the character travels the world on a pogo stick.
She’s also got better films on her CV than the classier actresses named. I think Pogo sticks are a must.
Well. Piranha.
And a willingness for casual nudity.
Piranha 3D is on par with Wrath of the Titans.
Haven’t seen Wrath. That was the one I left off.
Doom- I went 0 changs on
DAD I would OoD
Surrogates= meh.
Man there are some shitty actresses in shitty films out there.
What, other than Piranha 3D, is she in?
Nothing. You liked the Italian Job remake.
She’s in that?
Apparently.
Beckinsale? I’d OoD Whiteout. Vacancy was barely watchable. None of the Underworld movies are good. Pearl Harbor for comedy value, but that sucks. Don’t remember Shooting Fish. She was in Click, which sucked. Van Helsing sucked.
Whiteout was hilarious. But not a good film.
Much Ado is easily the best in either one’s list.
I didn’t find Whiteout anything but excrutiatingly dull, and mindnumbingly stupid.
Haven’t seen Much Ado.
I prefer Pike to be honest. My bias leans the other way.
And remember, they strap the actress to a bra filled with pillows, so that shouldn’t be a problem.
Lara Croft, actually, isn’t easy to cast. She’s an English Aristocrat with superhero level gymnastics and marksmanship. There’s a lot of difficulty with it.
She’s also a nerds wank fantasy with gigantic tits etc to boot.
It’s a nerds wank fantasy to boot giant tits?
Nerds are weird.
Well, yes that’s a given.
Never saw either of these and had zero interest to begin with.
They’re shite pillows. My list is appalling this time round.
You know Jolie is the biggest problem with these films, because she sort of nails the character it’s just you realize how soul less of a person she is and renders the whole thing so vapid and empty in the end because of it.
I kind of get what you mean here, and sort of agree. I think it’s a bad performance from her- because she’s struggling with the accent too much, but the character is empty and vapid.
Damned either way. Shite writing
I hated the first one. Then some friends asked me to come see this one in the theater and I went along. This is one of the few movies that I’ve walked out of. I made it about 40 minutes in and just gave up. Hate these movies.
Oh man. You missed out on the last half hour then. Jolie spends the entire last act naked, bouncing up and down on a pogo stick.
That’s ok, I saw Gia on HBO a lot as a young man. Ok, I mean parts of Gia on HBO
“Saw”?
alright, not saw.
It’s alright. I sat through that serial killer thing with Ethan Hawke in it for similar reasons.
I sat through that one with Banderas. That was utter shit, but she got naked. A lot.
Which one was that?
Original Sin.
You made me look it up.
Apologies. I had to look up Taking Lives. Saw it for the same reasons.
Yeah I ‘saw’ Original Sin for the same reasons too. What a piece of garbage, but had 2 very good things about it
Wait. Shit. I have seen that.
Wank.
I’ve gone through and created a catalogue of possible birthday list candidates, if I was to do another list.
It’s bad.
There’s a lot of shit. A hell of a lot.
2001 for example is a choice between Original Sin or The Princess Diaries.
1998 is a choice between Halloween H20, Ever After, and Killer Condom.
1996 is either Matilda or Emma.
2007 is Becoming Jane or The Bourne Ultimatum.
2005 is Transporter 2, Sky High, The Skeleton Key, Junebug or Stealth.
2002 is The Master of Disguise or Full Frontal.
The list goes on.
It’s not as bad as you think- H20 is watchable, Matilda ditto and also quite cute in a way, but it is clearly a kids film. DeVito steals it. Stealth is boneheaded.
Admittedly, 2007 is an absolute stinker- I think you should do Becoming Jane.
Hated H20. Don’t recall Matilda. I have seen it. Doesn’t it have that girl from Mrs Doubtfire in it?
I was going to review Stealth when I get around to do the Box Office Bombs series.
Becoming Jane? That’s not about Jane Austen is it?
Yes it is. Awful.
Matilda is the best on that list. I quite like it.
Look at 2002 for fuck sake. Abysmal “comedy” or pretentious Soderbergh wankfest with Julia Fucking Roberts.
It gets better in the 80′s though. Well, potentially better, as I haven’t seen a number of them.
Ah! That’s what Full Frontal is.
Anyway, aren’t you stuck on some Michael Douglas bollocks from 1983? I’ll lap you at this rate.
Yes. I was investigating if there was another option. A movie I could actually write a review on.
No problem. Here you go:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085551/
Main character is called Albert Wanker.
Or, even better:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085811/
Fucking Krull!
Yeah, I’ve got a few options. Never seen Krull. I’ll give that Douglas shit one last crack.
That’s a really strong year for you, actually.
my 1978 film is a problem, as it’s Coma and I can’t find it anywhere. I’ve seen it a good few times as well.
As is my 1979 for similar reasons. My 1980 is a fucking Bava effort, that’s bound to be unspeakable. It was made in 1977 but only saw release in 1980.
Expecting to OoD that one.
My birthday is June 3rd, maybe there’s a bevy of fun stuff there……for releases. Hmmmmm.
June 3rd should be OK Bando- start of the summer:
2012- Snow White and the Huntsman
2011- Submarine (although X-Men first ass is an option)
2010- Splice (hehehehe)
2009- The Hangover
2008- SATC
2007- Mr. Brooks.
Actually, I take this back- it’s a pig.
I love the games (though I haven’t played all of them – yet), but the films are a missed opportunity. They’re both instantly forgettable.
If I’m honest, I didn’t mind Jolie in the part – I think she has a decent stab at it. But there’s nothing of interest going on around her. I can’t remember anything out of either film except for Jolie’s tits.
No idea who to cast as an alternative. My vote would’ve been Beckinsale – but not now. Guillory is a good shout, actually…
Good stuff, Jarv.
I’ve now completely forgotten it. It wasn’t the easiest film ever to review as it’s so obviously bad and so completely forgettable. Pah.
You’re right- it is a huge missed opportunity, it should have been fun, but it’s just actually awful.