Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Nude Nuns With Big Guns

My sins, they were with women

Jarv’s Rating: 1 Chang out of 4. Just not enough fun, and far, far too rapey. Sorry.

Let’s be honest here, I was never going to be able to resist a film called “Nude Nuns with Big Guns”. Seriously, it promises stupidity, lesbians, nudity, gunplay, nudity, being rude about religion, lesbians, and nudity. So, my schlock watching mate and myself got in an ocean worth of beer, put it on and lit a few spliffs. This should be a blast, right?

No, it isn’t and I’ll come to why in a moment. Nude Nuns with Big Guns is an attempt at a straight-faced exploitation film. I’m not the largest fan in the world of Nunsploitation anyway, as most of them that I’ve seen are crap and borderline unwatchable, but still, there’s something deliciously tempting about a tooled up naked Nun (provided she’s hot, natch) killing lots and lots of people. With big guns. Sadly, that isn’t really what we have here.

Chavo ordering a pizza. Hold the anchovies.

To be fair, the opening 15 minutes are fan-fucking-tastic. It’s nice and sleazy and introduces the plot of the film in one easy bite. Naughty father Bernado (Maz Siam) is driving a busload of nuns across the desert to meet  up with Chavo (David Castro) and his nefarious bike gang for a drug deal. A massacre inevitably takes place and sole survivor, the innocent Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega), is taken away to Chavo’s brothel to service the customers. Where she’s drugged and repeatedly raped. One customer goes too far and nearly kills her, forcing Chavo to hand her over to local doctor Mr. Foo (Maxie J. Santillan Jr). She reveals that she’s been given a mission from the man upstairs, and so he hands over some guns to her. Whereupon the ungrateful cow puts a bullet in his head. The rest of the film is essentially a revenge  tale as Sister Sarah kills her way up the drug dealing clergy ladder, sorts out the bikers and cleans up Catholicism. Oh, and she’s a dyke. This is fairly important.

The film living up to its title. Yes, she's a nun, yes she's nude, and yes, that is a large gun. Easy, this.

Sounds like quite a lot of fun doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t. It’s grimy and horrible for the most part. The essential problem is that there isn’t enough material to maintain a feature, even a grindhouse feature, so the plot splits all over the place. We spend time with the bikers, other nuns, the clergy as well as with Sister Sarah on her revenge trip. Now the reason that this doesn’t work (because it isn’t a bad idea per se to spend time with the villains before they get offed) is that the time we spend with the bikers is absolutely repellent. Chavo’s number one gang henchman is a huge black dude called Kickstand (Xango Henry) who exists in the group to rape on Chavo’s orders. So, we get to see a heinous and utterly gratuitous rape of a mother in front of her daughter, an elderly nun raped until she breaks her vow of silence, then Chavo mans up himself to rape Sister Sarah’s girlfriend. There are, shit you not, four individual, highly-stylised rape sequences in this film, and I challenge anyone to watch that without feeling a bit ill. I couldn’t do it, and actually fast forwarded Kickstand raping the old woman.

On the acting front, Asun Ortega is highly attractive (I like Latina Women), and totally willing to take her clothes off. She plays it completely straight, and is actually the centre and the high of the movie. Castro is borderline psychotic as Chavo, which is far enough, and Siam plays Foo as some kind of trippy drugged out type. The rest of the support is adequate, aside from Henry, who is downright terrifying as serial rapist Kickstand. He’s fucking huge as well, a gigantic, scary, demented presence on screen.

"A spoon full of lesbianage helped the grimy film go down"

The gunplay is quite well shot, and the lesbian scenes (there are a lot of them) are also well shot. So credit there. This is quite well handled for the most part. However, the question about exploitation is always does it deliver on its central premise? Which is usually encapsulated in the title. In this case, absolutely. There’s fucking loads of nudity and Sister Sarah does indeed bust out an arsenal to take vengeance. However, the story is slight, there’s no real difficulty for her to overcome (the closest she gets is when she’s caught and escapes through a clever use of lesbianage and nudity). Writer/ Director Joseph Guzman has clearly set out to make a “straight” unironic exploitation movie and I suppose to be fair, he has.

Unfortunately, and it is a big “unfortunately”, Nude Nuns with Big Guns is a chore to sit through. There’s just too much gratuitous rape and I can’t really see the need to see every scene. The sequence with the bikers dealing with the tourists could have worked quite happily without Kickstand doing his thing, and do we really need to see Chavo pounding on Sarah’s girlfriend at the climax of the film? Me, I don’t particularly like depictions of rape in film, and in this instance the film is going for trashy fun which is utterly negated by the multiple acts of forced sex.

I quite like this shot.

Overall, nope, I don’t recommend this one. I may give it another shot fast forwarding all the rape, which I bet improves it exponentially (it certainly won’t be as unpleasant to sit through), but really, that’s no way to watch a film. It’s a shame, actually, because there is a good, old-fashioned, balls-out exploitation film lurking under here, but I generally don’t like films that I feel like I need to take a shower in bleach afterthe final credits roll. Nude Nuns with Big Guns just isn’t enough fun to wash away the grime. Pity about this really.

Until next time,

Jarv

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

17 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Nude Nuns With Big Guns”

  1. Xiphos0311 says :

    I challenge anyone to watch that without feeling a bit ill

    Whichever AICN writer that rhapsodized over rape flicks would joyfully and happily sit through all the rape scenes without feeling ill.

    Why would somebody drive nuns to a drug deal? I know that within the context of the movie this is a silly question but it had to be asked.

  2. Continentalop says :

    I am fucking sick of fucking excessive rape in these faux grindhouse movies. We get it, rape was in the old exploitation movies. But so was shooting them on 16mm and projecting them in a drive-in theater. You ain’t doing that anymore, now are you.

    • Jarv says :

      Once, actually, would push my limits, but would probably have been justifiable.

      Four fucking times though?

      You can’t justify the mother in the car. Not at all. It’s totally gratuitous and ruins the film

      • Continentalop says :

        I haven’t seen this film, and I doubt I will. But fuck, hasn’t the director ever heard of something called OFF CAMERA? You know, you got a villain who rapes women, why not have it happen OFF CAMERA.

        When Hitchcock made Frenzy he had the killer rape and murder a women once on camera to show how dangerous and deviant the killer is. After that he just had the rape-murders happen offscreen because he knew it would be redundant and pointless, and he also knew that audiences would grow used to it losing the shock value.

        Fucking sleazy directors and their fucking rape porn. Fuck them.

      • Jarv says :

        That’s almost exactly what we said. It’s just not needed at all.

        Fuck rape porn. Seriously. Fuck that.

  3. ThereWolf says :

    Pity, that. I was all geared up to read about a fun movie and instead, the makers decide to turn it nasty. One rape is bad enough, but can work in context (see ‘The Secret In Their Eyes’ – mercifully brief & near the beginning)… but fucking 4?

    I want to watch this but I’m not fucking around with the fast forward button. So fuck this film.

  4. just pillow talk says :

    Title + genius
    rape = fuck off with that

    Er, even the movie that should not be named only had 2 in comparison to this one with 4 acts of rape. Fuck off film makers…bunch of douches.

    • Jarv says :

      I bet the two in The Beast Within are a hell of a lot nastier than here. There’s no nudity in two of the rapes here for example, I is cut short. That isn’t to put down how unpleasant they are here, though.

      There’s rape and then there’s RAPE.

      Also TBW’s are integral to the plot. Here it’s just gratuitous (hence the fast forward button).

      • just pillow talk says :

        Yes, no disputing that. Monster rape just to show some boobs.

        Fuck, I hate that movie.

      • just pillow talk says :

        Should amend that, that’s not the *only* reason like you said, because it is a central plot device, but clearly the filmmakers got their jollies from always showing the shirt being ripped by monster hands just to show a woman’s tits.

      • Jarv says :

        Here, there’s boob all over the place. The first rape IS integral to the plot, because it’s Sister Sarah’s break- and it’s more of a beating than a full rape.

        No boob shown, I think.

        Second Rape is unforgivably gratuitous, and that’s Kickstand raping the woman on the car seat. Grotesque and unnecessary- could very easily have been off camera as well.

        Third Rape is the Nun with the vow of silence. Words fail me about this one. She’s an old woman. Severely unpleasant- and most of it is off camera, but I would suggest that Chavo just had to say “Kickstand” he then walks up, Scene ends and Chavo says something about how Rape always breaks women even nuns. Idea got, and I didn’t have to witness it.

        Fourth Rape is thankfully truncated and it’s Chavo raping Sister Sarah’s girlfriend. Adds nothing to the plot, cut short by the intervention of Sister Sarah who blows his cock off. He could have had her tied to a chair and been beating her or something. There’s no reason for her to be stripped naked and tied to a bed while he’s raping her from behind. Gratuitous and unpleasant.

        These three rapes really spoil this film, because there are flashes of sheer genius in it.

  5. Droid says :

    One rape is nearly always unecessary, but to feature four rapes is just foul. You couldn’t pay me to watch this piece of shit.

  6. Alex says :

    Can anyone tell me about the white car that the sister drives??
    good looking car, American Muscle!!

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      its a 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle SS one of the finest muscle cars Dee-Troit ever built, what do you want to know about it?

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