Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Lost in America (1985)

Due to a minor cock-up with Netflix, Pillows’ sifting through the sewage of cinema is skipping a year. Luckily for him, we’re not sticklers about that sort of thing, and really, does it honestly matter what order he reviews these turds in?

Last time we saw Just Pillow Talk he was happily basking in the glory of his second De Niro and Scorsese collaboration. His next film was meant to be the slightly icky-sounding Blame it on Rio, but instead he’s lumbered with Lost in America. However, before the review starts, I’d like everyone to take note of those two poster quotes. This surely must be a winner.

Over to you JPT, good luck.


Due to a programming issue (Netflix hasn’t sent me Blame it on Rio), I am jumping ahead one year to keep the ball of shit rolling, hence Lost in America rears its fucking ugly head my way….

The movie has barely started, and I already want to punch Albert Brooks in the head until he has to ride on the short bus every day.  David and Linda are a married couple (played by fuckstick Brooks and Julie Hagerty) who have just bought a new house, David is up for a big promotion, he’s planning on buying a new Mercedes, but both are unsatisfied with the same old life they have been living.  They are in a rut.

The big promotion meeting at the ad agency he works at doesn’t turn out the way David wanted because, well, there is no promotion.  Instead of becoming a senior VP, they want to transfer him from L.A. to NYC for the new Ford account they just got.  He’ll be reporting to the new guy Brad on the account, which gets his panties in an uproar, he says a couple fuck you’s to the boss, and gets fired.  I was hoping the security guard who escorted him out would put a bullet in his head, but alas, it’s not to be.  He runs to his wife’s work and tells her to quit her job and they’ll just leave everything from their old life behind, like Easy Rider he says.  “Responsible David is gone.”  Funny, I still see fuckstick David still around.

They cash out everything and get an RV and start driving.  First stop: Vegas where they will be remarried.  But Linda has other ideas, like staying at a first class casino hotel with room service.  He agrees, on the premise that they’ll wake up at the crack of dawn to get remarried.  The 6:00 am alarm goes off, but Linda is nowhere to be found in the room.  Turns out, she’s been gambling all night and losing all of their ‘nest egg’.  David’s big idea to get the money back is to try to convince the casino manager to give his money back on the premise that it would make a good PR campaign for the casino.  How you say?  By showing that the casino has ‘heart’.  Why couldn’t the casino manager have someone whack this fuckstick?  It doesn’t work, so the two bozos only have $800 to their names.

It takes until the Hoover Dam before he loses it on his wonderful wife, telling her to say “I lost the nest egg” 500 times.  She runs off and gets into some random car with a dude and drives off.  She’s a keeper.  He follows her to a diner, where he tries to drag her back to the RV, but the large gentleman she’s with takes exception and drags him out.  He punches him in the face and then takes off because he’s wanted by the police.  David and Linda get back in the RV and start driving, while she tells him that the large dude told her his life story, including why he’s wanted by the police (“he assured me those two gentlemen he came across were already dead”)  So, this fucking yuppie doesn’t get fazed by a murderer.  Riiiight.

Some other uninteresting shit happens until they finally stop at a small town in Arizona since, ya know, they have no money, and try to find jobs.

At this point, Mrs. Pillow chimes in saying this movie is pretty bad and my list has been awful thus far.  I think she’s on to something there.

So David goes to the local employment office to see what jobs are available.  He gets laughed at since he’s going from a $100K paying job to…a crossing guard.  Linda has better luck, becoming an assistant manager at some shit restaurant.

Mrs. Pillow has just asked me if I have to watch the entire movie.  An excellent question that has an undesirable answer…

So there’s a scene with him as a crossing guard and some kids trying to cross, who call him retardo, blah-blah…once again, no fucking laughs.  He goes back to the RV after, what the fuckstick has probably never experienced, working, and finds his wife with her manager, some 18 year old kid who declares she’s a genius for spotting that the fries were frozen.  They both come to realize that they will never get back their nest egg in their present situation, so after a long grueling two weeks of “discovering themselves”, they decide to drive to NYC to get fuckstick’s job back.

They arrive at NYC, and fuckstick chases after Brad to try to get his job back.  Camera pans out to the streets, and a scroll rolls by telling us that fuckstick got his job back (31% pay cut), Linda gets a job at Bloomingdale’s, and they are expecting their first fuckstick child.

Mrs. Pillow chimes in “who ends movies like that?”  I count my blessing that yet another utter fucking fiasco of a movie is over.

The movie was fucking boring as hell, with characters I wish an axe wielding guy in a hockey mask hacked to death, no comedy within spitting distance, no redeeming quality to it.  And yet it doesn’t get the orangutan of doom because there was no monster rape.  So good job on excluding monster rape from your fucking yuppie movie that sucked balls.  I just don’t know what to say more about this bland movie about a pair of yuppies who I wished death upon.  The only thing good is that the A-Team is on right now as I write this pathetic review for a horrible movie.  And since I wasn’t clear on my last review of the movie that should not be named…

 

DO NOT SEE THIS ATROCIOUS PIECE OF SHIT.

 

 

I give it 0 out of 4 fucksticks.


Next Up: Blame it on Rio or 84 Charring Cross Road

Pillow out

The Nightmare so far…

1973 The World’s Greatest Athlete 1 / 4

1974 Deranged 0.5 / 4

1975 Shampoo 1.5 / 4

1976 Taxi Driver 3 / 4

1977 Black Samurai 1.5 / 4

1978 The Betsy 0 / 4

1979 Quintet 0 / 4

1980 Hero at Large 2/4

1981 Dogs of War 2.5/4

1982 The Beast Within 0/4: The Orangutan of Doom

1983 King of Comedy 3/4

1984 Blame it on Rio

1985 Lost in America 0/4

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

14 responses to “Just Pillow Talk’s Birthday Nightmare: Lost in America (1985)”

  1. Jarv says :

    This is your funniest review so far. I read it when editing, and was nearly crying with laughter.

    Never mind mate, you’ve got at least a 50% chance of something not offensive next up.

  2. Xiphos0311 says :

    Albert Brooks, has a bigger untalented cocksucker benefited more from being a critics darling then he has? Brooks ability to turn in an unbroken stream of shit and get glorified for it is amazing but I guess making unfunny alleged comedies that are “cerebral” gets you a pass for low quality. Fuck him, his horrible movies and shitbird reviewers that suck off his worthless junk films.

  3. Continentalop says :

    I’m going to have to watch this again because I remember liking it. I remember finding the Easy Money joke pretty funny.

    “It’s like Easy Rider.”
    “Never seen it. Saw Easy Money with Rodney Dangerfield. That was damn funny.”

  4. Continentalop says :

    And Albert Brooks was fucking awesome in Taxi Driver. Just sayin’.

  5. Continentalop says :

    But overall I think JPT review of Lost in America is funnier than the movie. Your pain is our entertainment Pillow.

  6. ThereWolf says :

    ‘Fuckstick Brooks…’ – got a certain ring to it, that.

    Seen ‘Lost In America’, but I don’t remember any of it. Where’s a tiger in a hat when you need one, eh?

    Anyway, got a good laugh out of that, Pillow. Nice one.

  7. Droid says :

    Very funny review. Sounds like a very shitty movie. Albert Brooks? I have no strong opinion one way or the other. He’s really good in Out of Sight, but then, that movie is a career highpoint for everyone involved.

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