Jarv’s Top 10 Biggest Cunts in Cinema

Because I’m in what could charitably be described as an evil fucking mood today, I’m postponing the planned review of Starship Troopers. Instead, I’m going to put up 10 of the biggest, most unpleasant, most obnoxious cunts in the history of cinema. I’m going to try to not hit the obvious nominees here and instead provide a good cross section of the obnoxious, the weaselly, and the base characters that populate cinema.

So buckle up, this one’s going to be rough.

10) Suzanne Stone: To Die For

This is one fucking toxic bitch. Probably Kidman’s best performance, and it is a good performance, but unfortunately this evil witch is one of the least likable people ever put on screen. With a towering sense of ambition, almost no discernible talent and a sense of scruples that would make even politicians blush, Suzanne is determined to use any/ all means at her disposal to climb the slippery ladder to stardom. Quite why this involves sexually manipulating three stupid kids into killing her husband (who has been nothing but a nice bloke) is a mystery that only the cow herself knows. Loathsome cunt of a woman, who frankly deserves everything that comes to her.

 

9) Leo Getz- Lethal Weapon 2, 3 & 4.

Some people are born to cuntishness, and some have cuntishness thrust upon them. Leo is one of the former. Arguably the least funny piece of comic relief in cinema history, his insanely annoying cuntishness knows no bounds. Not only is Leo an aggravating cunt, but he’s also an extremely stupid cunt who’s graceless presence practically sinks every film he’s in. The fact that he only exists as a form of cheap humour (HA HA HA THAT’S IT, WRITE PROCTOLOGICAL EXAM ON LEO’S CHART MEL, THAT’S HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS) and seems to be almost completely oblivious to how irritating he is, while every other character is fully aware that he’s a douchenozzle, just aggravates me intensely. Of Course, Leo isn’t alone in being a complete cunt in Lethal Weapon. He’s ably helped out by a whole host of characters, from Patsy Kensit’s dismal shopping antics, through Chris Rock, the films are stuffed full of characters that you wouldn’t cry over if they fell down a lift shaft. However, even up against such stiff competition, Leo still manages to come away with the honours, and that’s simply because he’s a prize cunt.

 

8 ) Patch Adams

Robin Williams has more black marks against his name when it comes to comedy than almost any other actor. I debated which of his evil roles to put in on this, as I could quite easily have gone for Father’s Day, but in the end I had to go with this. If I were unlucky enough to be ill in his hospital and he came in in and attempted to heal me through what passes for his “comedy” antics, then I have to say that I think I’d smother myself to death with a pillow. Laughter may be the best medicine, Patch you cunt, but it’s only effective IF YOU’RE ACTUALLY FUNNY. You, sir, are not funny. You are, in fact, a complete and utter cunt.

 

7) Prince Humperdink- The Princess Bride

I fucking love The Princess Bride. It’s one of my favourite all time movies, and I do appreciate that Prince Humperdink is the villain of the piece, but what a marvellous villain. He’s mendacious, slimy, and a sadistic bully, but what elevates him so high up the list of cinematic cunts is this:  he’s also a complete coward. When The Dread Pirate Wesley threatens him with “to the pain” what does he do? Shits one and allows himself to be captured. You, Humperdink, are a pussy and a cunt.

 

6) Dr. Carl Hill- Re-Animator & Bride of Re-Animator

Mother of God, what a cunt. Dr. Carl Hill is a talentless plagiarist that has sleazed his way high up the medical establishment. He’s also got a boner for his mate’s daughter and a sadistic streak a mile wide. Not content with being an obnoxious, thieving, bullying cunt in life, he’s the only character on this list that manages to also be an obnoxious, bullying, perverted cunt AS A ZOMBIE. This really is quite an achievement.

Dr. Hill- undead cunt.

 

5) Meryl Burbank- The Truman Show

You horrible, dirty, deceitful witch. Who in their right fucking mind would dedicate a lifetime, and their body, to marrying  some poor oblivious bastard as an acting gig? How utterly mendacious do you have to be to do something like that? Considering that poor old Truman is a pawn in the ultimate freakshow, to be willingly complicit with shafting the poor fucker for the entertainment of the great unwashed is almost beyond reprehensible. Meryl is a vile, obnoxious cow and truly an A grade cunt.

 

4) Scarlett O’Hara- Gone with the Wind

Shocking piece of news this: I don’t like Gone with the Wind. Why don’t I like Gone with the Wind? Easy, because it’s a three hour ode to a dreadful cunt. Scarlett O’Hara is a spoiled, greedy, dirty slag that spends the entire film stealing men off her sister and using her well-used cooch to attract idiots (who are inexplicably not able to spot a walking STD) for personal gain. When Rhett says his famous final line “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” my only thought is “neither do I, but I do wish you’d come to this conclusion a couple of hours ago”.

Fuck her.  The only solace I take is that she’s blatantly going to turn into Blanche Dubois as she ages and has to turn from being an amateur whore to a pro.

 

3) Carter Burke- Aliens

Carter, Carter, Carter. Not content with being a futuristic pole climbing corporate toley, he’s also a murdering pole climbing corporate toley. What a bastard. Paul Reiser, in the only moment of his entire career that doesn’t suck, is outstanding as the oily bastard, and his comment that although he may be responsible for the deaths of all the colonists, the marines and landing them all back in the soup it isn’t his fault and shit just happens- “I made a bad call”. You certainly did, you cunt, how about some remorse? As if he hadn’t been cuntish enough, his final act of the film is a dismal attempt to save his own pathetic hide by, er, locking Ripley and the Space Marines in a room with the Xenomorphs. Unfortunately for Burke, he didn’t realise that he’d also locked himself in another room with an angry alien. For being a dirty, slimy, greedy, cowardly and stupid cunt, Burke really does deserve his place on this list, but I’ll let Ripley sum him up: “You know Burke, I don’t know which species is worse. You don’t see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage.”

 

2) Harry Ellis- Die Hard

This is a well documented example of cuntishness. Trying to sell out John McClane to save his own worthless hide is prime dickhead behaviour. Having such an completely unjustified sense of his own ability that he thinks he can reason with a terrorist makes it worse. What was it with the 80’s and the plethora of cunts thrown on to the screen? Anyhow, even aside from the above two gigantic character flaws, the real nail in the coffin of his character is that he’s just so god damned slimy. Who doesn’t cheer when Gruber plugs this cunt?

Die Hard also sports Richard Thornburg, another weapons grade cunt, but as I limited myself to one cunt per film, it seemed only fair to give the gong to one of cinemas most hateful human beings.  Harry Ellis- a Massive, Massive Cunt, and one that you’d never tire of punching.

Ready? Next up is the biggest cunt in the history of cinema, and one that’s very often overlooked in lists:

 

1) Obi Wan Kenobi

I was originally going to include Don Murphy in this, but he’s the fattest cunt in cinema, not the biggest. I will concede though that he’s the only cunt that can be seen from space. Talking about space, has there ever been a bigger cunt than Obi Wan Kenobi? Seriously, let me count the ways that he’s a cunt:

  • He thinks he knows better than the Jedi Council so trains up horrible turd Jake Lloyd, transforming him into even worse turd Haydn Christianssen.
  • He turns his back on aforementioned turd leaving him to die in pain.
  • Despite knowing the identity and location of turd’s son AND daughter, he lives nearby, but not close enough to be of actual use.
  • He then sets the son up with the promise of some incestuous nookie as a kind of human guided missile and AIMS HIM AT HIS OWN FATHER, and doesn’t share this knowledge with the boy at any point. I don’t know about you, but it would have been, perhaps, a useful piece of information to know that the chick that I’d been perving on was my twin sister. What a bastard.
  • When Luke does find out about the whole incest and daddy killing thing, what’s ghost Obi’s response? It’s pathetic, pretty much “you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs”.
  • While I’m thinking about this- Obi Wan is a ghost, right? Therefore he has access to information that could, perchance, be of huge use in the whole overthrow the empire thing. Such as, perhaps, that the second death star was operational, and yet he doesn’t tell Luke?

For being a dirty, lying, incompetent, arrogant, twisted, and useless fucking lazy tosser, I nominate you, Obi Wan Kenobi as the biggest cunt in the history of Cinema.

That was fun. I’m going to come back to these lists every so often, so until then,

Ciao,

Jarv

About these ads

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

121 responses to “Jarv’s Top 10 Biggest Cunts in Cinema”

  1. Jarv says :

    hehehehehe

    Let the wars commence!

    I’ll come back to these lists every now and again when they occur to me.

  2. Droid says :

    Well, in all fairness to A New Hope Obi Wan, I don’t believe for a second that Lucas wrote the character with the knowledge that…

    a) There will be sequels

    b) Darth Vader is Luke and Leia’s father

    So him withholding information such as that is reasonable, because at that point I don’t believe the character was intended to have that information.

    Of course, after the sequels and prequels, the new plot developments don’t help the A New Hope Obi Wan in the cunt stakes.

  3. Droid says :

    I think Leo Getz is pretty amusing in Lethal Weapon 2.

    “They fuck you at the drive through!”

    However, he never should’ve been in 3 and 4, and was incredibly irritating in those movies.

  4. Droid says :

    I’d call Harry Ellis a pathetic, slimy douchebag. I’m not sure if I would go so far as to call him a cunt though. He’s just such an obvious loser that it’s pity that I feel for him, not anger.

    • Jarv says :

      He is, but it’s also that he’s sleazing on McClane’s missus that elevates him up to Cunt status.

      The 80’s threw out a lot of these.

      • Jarv says :

        You’ve got to be happy that I found room for Kidman on the list, surely?

        Several of these are pretty uncontroversial.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, but he’s so obviously a joke, and no woman in her right mind would go near him, and he’s so obviously going to die (or if he lived, he’d eventually die of a coke induced heart attack alone on the toilet only discovered a week later by the cleaner ).

      • Jarv says :

        Still, though, he was a reprehensible scumbag.

      • Droid says :

        Yes, but it’s a shame that you had to put Our Nic on the list for a legitimately cuntish character. I would’ve given her the lifetime achievement award.

      • Jarv says :

        I thought about handing out a “Kidman” as an award for it and including Alfie, but Stone is SUCH a cunt, that it would have been a shame not to nominate her.

        What do you think of the picture? Unfortunately I couldn’t actually think of a Bradley Cooper role that was cunty enough. I did nearly ad McConoghy and Hudson for HTLAGI10D

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, I chuckled at that pic. Cuntish roles…

        He’s Just Not That into You, All About Steve, Wedding Crashers

      • Jarv says :

        Refuse to watch, Refuse to watch, Not seen.

        He’s a bit of a cunt in My Little Eye.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        WEDDING CRASHERS!! Bradley Cooper is a major league cunt in that movie. He actually made me feel sorry for Vince Vaughn (a man I wouldn’t piss on if he were on fire in the street), that’s what level of cunt he is in WEDDING CRASHERS.

      • Jarv says :

        I agree with the Vaughan hatred. I nearly put him in for Swingers.

      • Droid says :

        Vaughn is so fucking money in Swingers.

        You know this to be true!

      • Jarv says :

        He may be money in Swingers, but by God the character is a cunt. Unfortunately, he’s outcunted by both Favreau and Soo in that film.

      • Droid says :

        Yeah, but the character does get his comeuppance and the film really makes no attempt to paint him in any other light but the fact that he is a cunt.

        He’s much more of a cunt in The Breakup. There’s two massive cunts for you!

      • Jarv says :

        Another that I refuse to watch. I’m cross with myself for not putting Delpy in for 2 Days in Paris. Unreasonable cuntish behaviour.

      • Droid says :

        10 minutes. Thats how long I lasted in that movie. A sure sign of a massive cunt.

      • Jarv says :

        You missed that she showed naked pictures of Goldberg to her parents? And then seems to think he’s being unreasonable when he’s cross about it.

  5. Droid says :

    I’d actually put Jude Laws Alfie on this list. I had to stop watching that movie because he was such an astronomically ginormous cunt.

    • Jarv says :

      It was either him or Kidman,

      I also considered Don Logan from Sexy Beast, Bateman from rules of attraction, John Conner from T2-4, The porno guy in Piranha, Juno from The Descent, and a host of others.

      • Jarv says :

        Also considered were Matthew Lillard in Dead Man’s Curve (I really like that film), The Warden in The Shawshank Redemption, Whatshername in The English Patient, Ray Liotta in Hannibal, the entire cast of Le Divorce, Gigli, Jake La Motta (bit harsh that one), Ray Winstone in Nil By Mouth, Robin Williams in Father’s Day, Macualey Culkin in Party Monster.

        There was a lot to go at.

      • Spud McSpud says :

        Ah, Bateman in RULES OF ATTRACTION! Arguably the best performance Van Der Beek has ever given. He’s so dead in the eyes in that movie… no fucking soul at all. He deserves the worst that life can throw at him and more. Arguably a major cunt.

        And why is Bradley Cooper the Face Of Cunts, but doesn’t appear in the list? Although I liked him in THE HANGOVER, THE A-TEAM and in LIMITLESS the other night, so I don’t quite get the depth of your distaste for him. Though he gives Mrs Spud-To-Be the quivers, and for that he must die, obviously. But first – that lanky Nordic cunt, Alexander Skarsgard. He is my main competition for the heart and mind of the She-Spud…

      • Jarv says :

        The reason he doesn’t make the list is that the only role I can think of him in, he’s not actually a cunt.

  6. Spud McSpud says :

    Fucking awesome, Jarv. Provided the much-needed belly laugh of the day.

    Obi-Wan, biggest cunt in movies?? When you put it like that…

    Kidman – I’ve actually never seen TO DIE FOR, but I did read the book, which is extremely entertaining and very well written (though more an airport short read than anything else) and it does give the impression that there is nothing this cunt won’t do to succeed in life. But as some philosophiser I can’t name once said, “What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, yet lose his soul?”. Good point, well made.

    I’d expand on this series, Jarv, and give us ACTORS THAT HAVE PLAYED THE MOST CUNTS IN MOVIES. And then William Atherton would win by default for playing arguably two of the biggest cunts in movies, not only in the 80s but of all time – Richard Thornburg in DIE HARD, and the cunt-tastic Walter Peck, of the EPA, in GHOSTBUSTERS. The man has cornered the market on cunts. I saw him in some Hallmark heart-warming piece-of-shit the other day, and spent the entire movie convinced he’d fuck everybody over somewhere. When he didn’t, I was more surprised at him playing a nice guy for once than I was when you placed Obi-Wan at No 1 Biggest Cunt In Cinema.

    Now I’m going to find out what “mendacious” means. Ciao, motherfuckers!

    • Jarv says :

      Atherton was also a right cunt in that Casper thing I did the other week. He’s got the market cornered.

    • Jarv says :

      Re- Obi Wan. The key point is this one:

      He then sets the son up with the promise of some incestuous nookie as a kind of human guided missile and AIMS HIM AT HIS OWN FATHER, and doesn’t share this knowledge with the boy at any point. I don’t know about you, but it would have been, perhaps, a useful piece of information to know that the chick that I’d been perving on was my twin sister. What a bastard.

      Droid is right, though. It’s only when the whole saga is considered that he’s a tosser, and it’s all Lucas’ fault for not considering the rule of unintended consequences. If he’d just had the father thing it would probably have been understandable, but when he threw in Leia as the sister so much of ANH and ESB becomes, well, icky, and Obi Wan looks like a proper incest-condoning cunt.

  7. Spud McSpud says :

    Oh, and I’d do Meryl Burbank in a heartbeat.
    What a soulless, frigid hatefuck that would be. But I have had something unexplainable for Laura Linney since PRIMAL FEAR (hey, what the cock wants, the cock wants) and I get the impression she’d be on the verge of a hysterical breakdown all the way through.

    God, I’m not even gonna TRY to psycho-analyse what I just said. But I would so do Meryl Burbank…

  8. Jarv says :

    Surprised no argument at Patch Adams, Scarlett O’Hara or Humperdink.

  9. Frank Marmoset says :

    Good lord, Bradley Cooper is a handsome devil. Even when partially obscured by diagonal angryness, his roguish good looks still shine through. That’s some grade-A beefsteak right there.

  10. Frank Marmoset says :

    I would have to put Yoda in at joint number 1 with Ben Kenobi.

    Exhibit A) He is in possession of two key facts – 1. The dark side clouds Chancellor Palpatine, and 2. The republic is being run by a Sith lord. Despite having this information, Yoda is somehow unable to figure out that Palpatine is a Sith lord.

    Exhibit B) He falls over while fighting Palpatine, sustaining not a single critical or debilitating injury. Does he get up and continue to fight for what he believes in? No, he scarpers.

    Exhibit C) As the republic falls to the tyranny of Emperor Palpatine, Jedi throughout the galaxy are being murdered, and presumably the price of space oil is skyrocketing, does Yoda lift a finger to help anyone – clone troopers, republic politicians, scattered Jedi, regular space folks – who might need the assistance of a great and powerful Jedi master? No, he scarpers. Again! And then hides on a swamp planet for twenty years while the entire galaxy goes to Hell in a handbasket.

    Cunt!

    • Jarv says :

      That’s a good case. I think the incest thing just shades it for Kenobi, though, but Yoda isn’t exactly clean on that front either.

      Was there ever a more useless set of cunts in any film than the Jedi?

      • Jarv says :

        Not to mention that the first time Luke sees Yoda, it’s because Yoda is stealing things from his rucksack. Pikey!

      • Droid says :

        The prequels really were poorly thought through. And all the decisions reflect badly on the beloved characters from the original films.

      • Jarv says :

        It is astonishing how much damage the prequels do to the original films- but the damage actually starts with Leia being Luke’s sister in Jedi.

        As soon as Lucas made that call (and there’s no need for it at all- it adds NOTHING to the film) he’d tarnished ANH and ESB, and started Obi Wan down the road to cuntishness.

      • Jarv says :

        I really wanted to get some characters from the Indy films into this list somewhere, but they don’t really fit. Lao whatever was the nearest, well, Capshaw as well.

        I did also consider Biff from back to the Future, but he’s more of a loser than anything else.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Lucas does such a thorough job in the prequels of systematically dismantling anything that was ever interesting or likeable about the Jedi that I’m almost certain he did it on purpose.

        I mean, who didn’t fantasise about being a Jedi when they were a kid? How cool did it seem to jump about with a lightsaber and have magic powers? And then you get to the prequels, where you find out the Jedi were actually a bunch of uptight sexless morons who only got the job because they have a lot of Midichlorians.

        Damn, I’ve been sucked into talking about Star Wars.

      • Jarv says :

        where you find out the Jedi were actually a bunch of uptight sexless morons who only got the job because they have a lot of Midichlorians

        God Damn it. When you put it like that a little bit of my childhood died.

      • Droid says :

        “Well looky what we have here.”

        Biff is AWESOME!!!

        “Well looky what we have here.”

      • Droid says :

        I think Lucas added that midichlorians stuff AFTER filming TPM. I know that scene where Llloyd goes…

        “Qui Gon, can I ask you a question about midichlorians? Because I was wondering about midichlorians. The question I have about midichlorians is, what are midichlorians?”

        … was a reshoot.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        They’re presented as monk-like characters in the prequels, forbidden to have romantic relationships, and the suggestion is they’re taken in at toddler age to start their training, the implication being that none of them have ever known a woman’s (or man’s, or whatever Yoda is) touch. It’s possible they have a Jedi-sanctioned space-whore-house in the temple, but given how terminally uptight and dour they are all I’m pretty sure that’s not happening and none of them have ever gotten laid.

        So basically what Lucas is telling us is that the Jedi are all virgins, which makes the idea of being a Jedi appealing to almost no one.

      • Jarv says :

        So basically what Lucas is telling us is that the Jedi are all virgins, which makes the idea of being a Jedi appealing to almost no one.

        You missed AICN’s target demographic there. They’d still take it on.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        You missed AICN’s target demographic there. They’d still take it on.

        Ha! Good point.

      • Droid says :

        And seeing as though Anakin has a massive boner for Padme and can’t control the funny feelings in his naughty place, a case could be made that Lucas was trying to imply that having sex will make you so evil that you will kill a bunch of kids and turn into an asthmatic, half machine, minion strangling hood ornament.

      • Jarv says :

        He just completely fucked it up- they’re meant to be in some sort of zen like wisdom connected to the whole universe. Instead they look like a borderline group of kiddy-fiddlers, and are fucking idiots as well. Lucas went “monk” with them when there was no need to. They’re Jedi KNIGHTS for fuck’s sake. The model should have been Samurai or something like that.

        Fuck Darth Lucas, man I wish I’d never seen the fucking prequels.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        So Lucas takes the Jedi – a very cool combination of samurai, swashbuckler and wizard – and turns them into clammy handed and consistently stupid virgins.

        He takes Darth Vader – one of the all time great movie villains – and turns him into a whiny child-murdering brat who essentially gets tricked into turning evil.

        And he takes Obi Wan and Yoda – two very popular and likeable characters – and emphasises what a pair of manipulative and cowardly douchebags they are.

        How can that not be deliberate? I get that Lucas is a terrible writer, but surely no one is so bad they would ruin their own greatest achievement accidentally.

      • Jarv says :

        How can that not be deliberate? I get that Lucas is a terrible writer, but surely no one is so bad they would ruin their own greatest achievement accidentally.

        It’s the law of unintended consequences- if you look at it, the first really bad decision was making Leia Luke’s sister. Darth being Luke’s father wasn’t great, because it made Kenobi look like a prick: “When I said Vader Killed your father I was actually, despite their being no evidence for this whasoever, being metaphorical, and what I really meant was that when he took his sith name of Darth Vader this, so to speak, actually meant that he figuratively killed Anakin Skywalker.” This, while totally accurate, isn’t great writing.

        Having made that mistake, though, he then was a bit burnt out on Star Wars (who can blame him) so changed it so that instead of Luke’s sister being off somewhere for Parts 7,8 & 9 he instead made his only major female character Luke’s sister. This was terrible because a)It ignored everything that had gone on in the first two films, you know the actual good ones, and b) it was fucking lazy with even worse side effects for the Jedi.

        Now, most writers would now know to stop pulling at it (and it is amazingly flimsy), but not Lucas. So he came up with the Prequels because he was afflicted with a terrible case of must-explain-everything-itis. However, as he’d already made two catastrophic mistakes in the later films he had to find a solution for Vader being Luke and Leia’s father.

        It all snowballed from that first reveal- he cocked it up once, and then kept going back to the well to try to fix it- what you end up with is exactly the situation you described.

      • Droid says :

        Actually, this is like the “why Thomas Harris wrote Hannibal” convo from the other day. Maybe Lucas was so pissed off at nerds perstering him to make more SW he just snapped and decided to take a gigantic festering dump on the entire thing.

      • Jarv says :

        It isn’t. He keeps voluntarily returning to the well- how many times had he fucked with the OT before the prequels- Dinosaurs/ Jabba in Mos Eisley for example. Greedo shooting first being another one.

      • Jarv says :

        By far, though, the WORST thing Lucas has done, and it pisses me off something fierce, is that on the stupid Specialist Edition EVER of Star Wars I’ve got at home, at the end he fucking CGI’d douchebag in to the dead Jedi parade.

        This is so annoying for a few reasons:

        1) the other Jedi are really old, and it looks daft that teenage douchebag is there.
        2) It was completely unnecessary
        3) It’s embarrassing
        4) It reminds me that the Prequels exist
        5) It’s incredibly disrespectful to the guy that did it in the first place.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        I wouldn’t be surprised at all if one day George Lucas confessed that this whole prequel thing was some weird social experiment where he deliberately made the prequels progressively worse (Revenge Of The Sith is easily the worst of the lot) to see how much shit Star Wars fans were prepared to take.

        And the experiment is still ongoing. I was at my sisters last weekend and I watched a couple of episodes of that Clone Wars cartoon with my nephew. It’s utter garbage. Painful to watch. My nephew likes it because he’s four and it has bright colours and loud noises, but it might actually be even worse than the prequels.

        The only logical end point for this experiment is for Lucas to travel the world pooping in the mouths of Star Wars fans and then listening to them tell him how delicious and totally underrated his poop is.

      • Jarv says :

        Fuck no. AOTC is the worst prequel. It’s agonisingly bad.

        The love story is so badly written, acted and thought out (Anakin riding the Space Potato) that it actually hurts to watch. Furthermore, in a series as full of bad acting as Star Wars, Christianssen explaining how he killed the Sandpeople to Padme is flat out the worst bit. Not to mention that it doesn’t make sense that he’d be that upset- he hasn’t seen his mother in 10 years, he wasn’t particularly close to her etc. It’s all dire.

      • Droid says :

        I’m going to disagree with both of you and say TPM is the worst prequel. Based purely on the fact that it’s FUCKING BORING and it has a fuckload of screentime dedicated to comic relief black fella racist stereotype Jar Jar Binks.

      • Jarv says :

        Jar Jar does= comedy negro.
        TPM also has evil blatantly japanese Corporate types.

        AOTC is also fucking boring, don’t forget.

        Nevertheless, it’s worth noting that of all 3 films we’ve all gone for a different one being the worst. This suggests that not one of them is any good. Fuck’s sake- Jedi is easily the worst of the three original ones, and yet it looks like a naked teenage lesbian version of Citizen Kane (I humbly submit that this should be called either Clitiden Kane or Citizen Clit) in comparison to the PT. That includes Ewoks.

      • Jarv says :

        Not to let Sith off the hook here, so it should be pointed out that the single dumbest thing in any of them happens in Sith- the whole Padme dying of Sadness thing.

        It’s especially annoying because the solution was so fucking easy: Death in Childbirth, which sparked Anakin’s spiral in futile anger and depression towards the dark side. Which, while cliched, is miles better than what Lucas came up with.

      • Jarv says :

        As I said yesterday, the PT comes down to “Ultimately, who gives a fuck”. Just stick that on the end of any description of a bit of the Prequel, and it’s completely true.

        Star Wars really is the gift that keeps on giving. As soon as I think the topic is exhausted Lucash does something cunty like releasing TPM in SUBTLE 3-FUCKING-D WOOOOOOO!!!! That reminds me of how much I hate them.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        I’m sticking with Sith as the worst prequel, for too many reasons to list here.

        The romance is awful in AOTC, though. Totally agree with that. But I do have a nostalgic attachment to the scene where he tells Padme about killing the sand people. Me and a couple of friends once watched the film while very, very high and that scene made us laugh possibly more than I’ve ever laughed at anything in my life. We just kept rewinding it and watching it over and over again:

        THEY’RE LIKE ANIMALS! I KILLED THEM ALL!

        and it never stopped being funny. Actually, it’s still pretty fucking funny now.

        AND NOT JUST THE MEN… THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN TOO! I HATE THEM!!!

      • Droid says :

        The thing with AOTC, is that it’s just so fucking dumb and crap that it’s actually not boring to me.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh god no, I was so bored through lots of it.

        It’s still the only film I’ve ever managed to get a refund from the cinema for.

      • Frank Marmoset says :

        Not to let Sith off the hook here, so it should be pointed out that the single dumbest thing in any of them happens in Sith- the whole Padme dying of Sadness thing.

        That’s one of the many reasons Sith is the worst film for me. It’s just so horribly stupid.

        For one thing, Padme’s defining trait as a character was her devotion to duty, to serving others. And yet we’re supposed to swallow that on the verge of motherhood (which I hear involves quite a bit of duty and service to others) she simply decides to die and abandon her children because her husband turned out to be a murderous asshole.

        For another, you’d think a technologically advanced civilization that has special baby scooping robots would be able to keep her alive whether she wanted to die or not.

        Maddeningly retarded writing.

      • Jarv says :

        I didn’t pay to see Sith. In fact I only saw it for the first time about two years ago when it was on telly. I was furious with myself for paying to see AOTC after being burnt by TPM so I swore I wasn’t going to see Sith in the cinema

        One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

      • Droid says :

        All these are valid reasons for worst film, but for me, apart from the aforementioned boring a fuckness of TPM, it’s also the Star Wars first film for 15 years, and I had expectations through the roof, so I was incredibly depressed and substantially mortified to witness a brand new shiny Star Wars movie featuring speedy gonzalez jedi’s, trade boycotts, parliamentary hearings, midichlorians, the future Darth Vader going “whoo hoo!” in a pod race, and Yoda looking like a cheap chinese knock off version of a Yoda plush toy. It really was a steel toe boot in the knackers that first prequel.

      • Jarv says :

        Oh yeah. TPM no doubt about it= arguably biggest cinematic disappointment of my life.

      • Jarv says :

        This is from Gingertown, but really apt for what Lucas does to Star Wars:

        Why does everything have to be spoiled? Why do happy memories have to be taken down from the shelf of my childhood and openly buggered for the amusement of amoeba who sporadically look up from texting, tweeting and masturbating , to look through glassy, listless eyes at things that once fired my imagination being used and soiled like a Thai prostitute with really low self esteem.

        The bit I’ve put in bold is, in a nutshell, exactly how I feel about a lot of remakes and things like that.

  11. Droid says :

    Replacing old Anakin with young Anakin was supposed to represent the last time he was “good” or whatever. And thats the spirit that lives on. But really, Anakin was never good. He was a cretinous, petulant, insufferable little cunt who bitched, moaned and complained and deserved to have his head caved in. Not to mention the murdering children thing.

    Plus, old Anakin proved himself to be good, and saving Luke, offing the Emperor, and therefore largely winning the war himself, was his redemption. So an old Anakin as the spirit was appropriate.

    • Jarv says :

      It was just an enormous act of cuntishness.

      This, by the way,

      a cretinous, petulant, insufferable little cunt who bitched, moaned and complained and deserved to have his head caved in. Not to mention the murdering children thing.

      Was totally accurate and really funny.

  12. Tom_Bando says :

    I have always agreed that the whole Luke and Leia as siblings thing was Obviously a last minute ‘twist’ that Lucas wedged in just because while putting together Jedi. That’s it, really. Makes NO sense when you are watching the first two movies. Vader as daddy, well okay sure. Luke and Leia BOTH as his kids-really?! like he couldn’t somehow ‘sense this’ about her in the first movie while interrogating her in the Death Star? Gimme a break.

    Biggest cunt in Movie character history—A*P*E* of course. What else? Even flips off a copter. The nerve.

  13. koutchboom says :

    I wonder how often George Lucas had to stop Ewan Mcgregor from whipping his dick out as Obi Wan. I can just see Ewan trying to convince George that HE HAD TO BE PANTLESS DURING THIS SCENE! Or come one George you think Obi Wan wears anything under this robe?

    • Jarv says :

      Not very hard- conversation goes like this:

      “Ach George, I’ve just got to get my length out”

      “Well, Ewan, you can, but be aware that it won’t be anywhere near the biggest prick on screen”.

  14. koutchboom says :

  15. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    Jarv, great list. I wholeheartedly agree with Humperdink and Linney’s Truman Show shout-out. All of them are great though.

    And, speaking of the fatteth one, looks like he’s at it again, and on April 1st no less:

    http://wp.me/pV43n-Xs

  16. DocPazuzu says :

    Great list, but I was a bit thrown after reading the first few entries because of my deep hatred of Robin Williams. The lines were suddenly blurred between the role and the actor. Patch Adams is indeed a massive cunt of a role in a hideous movie, but his cuntitude is vastly amplified by being played by that unspeakable cunt, Robin Williams. He’s a hirsute man-baby with a diabolical, phony wistfulness which makes me want to kneecap him.

    Bicentennial Man is one of the most evil films ever made.

  17. L Bronco says :

    *Humpphh*

    I’ve been made aware that making fun of retards on Twitter is no bueno.

    uhh people, said that…I shouldn;’t make fun of retards on April’s fool Day.

    I will stick to homophobic and racist slurs in the future.

    I am going to improve myself.

    And I plan to impregnate a woman.

    My son will be named “Bronco”.

    No worries-just middle name will be Bronco, but i will call him Kid.

    He will be my nemesis.

  18. L Bronco says :

    Also no mention of Ricky Gervais or Russell Brand-whatever his cunting retarded name is-that fool who is starring in Arthur Remake.

    Fucking Ass Men.

  19. Xiphos0311 says :

    I nominate Star Fleet command as the biggest cunts in the universe. Think about it they can make habitable planets out of rocks in about 30 seconds. Create food out of nothing with replicators violating every known rule of physics. They have ships that can travel at 9 times the speed of light(also violating every known law) and have transports that break down objects to a molecular level ship them vast distances and reassemble them somewhere else without much problems yet even in the 26th century they wear motherfucking jump suits as uniforms.

    Don’t get me started on that pompous ass Prime Directive they drone on about proudly but violate with laughing impunity every single episode with some amorphous bilge about “the greater good”. Star fleet Command the most humorless, vile and reprehensible cunts in the universe.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      And I’ve also noted a startlingly OBVIOUS lack of Giant Robots in Starfleet’s ships too! the nerve-

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        they had Data but he doesn’t count since wasn’t a giant. I just remembered in one episode the cunts of Star fleet gave order to dissect him and they kept referring to Data as “it”, bunch of asswipes.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      Oh very true, very true.

      You’re right about the whole Prime Directive being ignored every time out. No show w/ it in place or being adhered to seems to me.

  20. Xiphos0311 says :

    I would also nominate Tom hanks for his work since winning his first Oscar. First off the cunt refuses to acknowledge his best work, Bachelor Party, and then every movie he’s been in since the Oscar has been exactly the same. They have all been Tom Hanks starring in a Tom Hanks production of Tom Hanks! written, produced, directed and starring Tom Hanks. Good job fatty. You were the fattest Ranger platoon commander ever in the history of the US Army Rangers.

    • Tom_Bando says :

      I kinda liked him in Volunteers, too.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Volunteers was great I agree Tom(Hi! I’m Tom Tuttle from Tacoma! That makes me laugh), Splash, Neighbors, Bosom Buddies, Big basically everything before he became and “actor” Hanks was enjoyable as all hell in.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        “At! I can tell you’re lying-your eyes are getting round-!”

  21. L Bronco says :

    I do want to have sex with that Onion news reporter gal.

    That blonde.

    Yeah….

    Is that TMI?

    You blokes tell me.

    Good to see you Herr Marmoset.

    I gotta roll up out of this bitch…..

  22. toadkillerdog says :

    Jarv,
    The biggest most ruthless luckiest and funniest cunt of all tim is actually a tie. Lincoln stern. From heavy metal movie. Described as low down double dealing back stabbing larcenous perverted worm. Hangings too good for him burning too good for him. He should cut into itsy bitsy pieces and buried alive. The other guy is Francis urquart.

  23. Echo the Bunnyman says :

    And I assume you meant ‘The Burbs’ instead of Neighbors Xi. I love The Burbs. It’s probably my personal favorite Hanks film unless we are counting original Toy Story. I agree that ‘important’ Hanks isn’t even halfway up to the snuff of 80’s comedy Hanks.

    I even have a soft spot for Splash and Joe Vs. The Volcano.

    • Xiphos0311 says :

      yep Echo i did mean The “Burbs. good flick. I do have a like for Neighbors it’s totally wacked out.

    • Jarv says :

      Hanks sucks. I wanted to include Gump in this but it’s my personal hatred for the actor coming through.

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Hanks gets the nod from me for being the most unbelievable Ranger in the history of the word Ranger. Hanks and all five of his chins should roast in the fires of perdition for that clusterfuck “performance”

      • Jarv says :

        I thought about Ribisi from that shitfest. Fucking hate that film

      • Xiphos0311 says :

        Technically Ribisi wasn’t a Ranger but the medic sent along with the squad still everybody in the floater needs a swift kick to the nuts.

      • Jarv says :

        Yup. Dreadful movie on every level.

  24. koutchboom says :

    I was trying to think of who I could add to this list and I finally got someone. The fuck from Serbian Film who put the other guy through all the fucked up shit, just to get some jollies.

  25. ThereWolf says :

    Funny stuff.

    Scarlett O’Hara IS a cunt!

    I never thought of Obi Wanker-nobi as cunt, but since you put it like that… yeh, he’s a cunt. And certainly the Hadyn Christensen version of Anakin is a cunt (also, Frank, I too laughed at his ‘sandpeople’ speech – I was drunk – and it still IS funny)

    Leia in ‘Jedi’ says something like, “My mother died when I was very young…” then goes on to describe her. Did Lucas forget he wrote that when it came to Padme conking out in Sith?

    • Jarv says :

      Yup. Absolute cow of a woman.

    • Spud McSpud says :

      I always assumed Leia was talking about her adopted mother, Queen Breha Organa, ruler of Alderaan, rather than Padme. That said, it’s all bollocks, mainly becuase before sitting down to write the biggest cinematic disappointment of all time, apparently it was too much trouble for Darth fucking Gizzard to sit down and put himself through the agony of watching the greatest movies in cinema history before writing the fucking PREQUEL to them. Thanks to him remembering on his Swiss cheese memory, we got the shitfest that was The Phantom Clusterfuck.

      Lucas is the Biggest Cunt in cinema, Jarv. Search your feelings. You KNOW this to be true…

  26. Cthulu ate my sarlacc says :

    A major cunt was omitted – that scuzz-bucket E.T. If the reeking festering pullulating pile of old spew that is “E.T.” had been a remotely decent flick like (say) “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, the eponymous alien would have been diced and sliced for scientific analysis within ten minutes of landing. But sentimentality reigned. Next time, I want a behemacoatyl, or a sarlaac at least. The films may be a heap of sith, but those are pretty decent monsters. If only Elliot’s pea-sized brain had been sucked out by E.T. – but no, that was not to be either. Now the monster at the very end of “The Deadly Spawn ” is impressive – unlike E.T.

  27. Cthulhu ate my sarlacc says :

    BTW, why worship the dinner of a graboid ?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 690 other followers

%d bloggers like this: