Jarv's Schlock Vault: Megiddo- The Omega Code 2

Well, there you go. See what you can accomplish if you don’t have to answer to Congress?

Jarv’s Rating: It’s clearly time to break out the Ramirez of Insanity again. This film is barking mad.

I’m wondering if it’s acceptable to just stick “sploitation” on the end of another unrelated word to make up a new genre for your film. Seriously, I’ve heard of Exploitation, obviously, and Blaxploitation, and even Nunsploitation, but reading up on this film introduced me to a new one: “Godsploitation”. Godsploitation- I mean really, what does that even mean, and how, precisely, unless you are a high-ranking member of the Vatican or Dan Brown, can you possibly exploit God? What’s next “Colourbeigesploitation” to describe completely “blah” films like The Invention of Lying, or perhaps “giantrobotsploitation” for the Transformers films, or even “pornsploitation”. Although in hindsight, that last one works.

Anyhoo, Megiddo is apparently Godsploitation, whatever the fuck that means.

 

Damien's first communion

In a strange sort of way I admire the balls behind this film. Megiddo is a thoroughly preposterous, and a completely ludicrous, not to mention laughable, take on the apocalypse. However, by the same score it is also as intelligent as the average paste-eating retard and as well thought out as 2 of the 3 little pigs’ construction plans. Yet, despite all of this, it boasts an outstanding cast of the great and the good, and inexplicably, someone actually bothered to spend money on CGI that for the most part isn’t terrible.

I suppose that I should, at least, attempt to explain the plot, although if I manage it I will officially be the first person in history, including the writers, directors and producers to do so. Megiddo takes an epic tale and…

Oh fuck it, let me start again.

Michael York plays Stone Alexander as an adult…

Wait, getting ahead of myself again. Fuck’s sake.

And I thought blowing smoke rings was impressive...

Megiddo tells the story of the Alexander Brothers, separated as children with Stone being packed off to some creepy and preposterously Italian Military academy (do you really need an academy to learn how to run away?) while David stays in America. Stone gets possessed by Satan and goes on a quest for global domination, which he manages through the handy ability to murder people by touching them and summon weird shadow monsters/ Biblical curses at will. He also marries his old Headmaster’s daughter and murders his dad to get control of the media empire. In the meantime, David is climbing the ranks of US politics.

Eventually, for some reason that’s completely lost on me, Stone divides the world into territories, which he has control of apart from America, China and Latin America, and with the help of his creepy Satanic Vatican priest guy (Udo Keir, completely wasted) unleashes a shit load of natural disasters on mankind before gathering his armies together to fight the USA and Mexico at Megiddo. He also finds time to murder the President of America, frame David for his father’s murder and knock his wife off. The dude is busy. Anyhoo, the armies meet on the field of Battle, Stone is revealed as Satan himself, and David saves the day banishing Satan back to the pit.

Or at least I think that’s what happens, it’s very hard to be sure.

 

York offers R. Lee Emery a reacharound

The acting in this film from a cast that should really know better is pretty woeful. Michael Biehn cashes a cheque plays David Alexander as a bit of a stuffy prick, and his creepy attempts to keep nobbing Stone’s wife are frankly bizarre. Particularly when you see that she’s gone from being hot to kind of chubby. Talking about who, Diane Venora plays Gabriella, and is uniformly terrible. Nevertheless, the real failure is Michael York as Stone- he hasn’t got the charisma for the role, and manages to combine this with the satanic menace of a sedated duck. He’s rubbish, even to the extent that when he gets all pissed off at his father before murdering him he just sounds like a petulant teenager that has been told that his pocket-money has been cut. Fuck knows what he was thinking of, because frankly he can do much better.

 

"You know, If I hadn't turned Fincher down for Alien 3 I'd still have a career and not be forced to appear in claptrap like this to pay the mortgage"

Then there’s the writing. The plot is confused and a touch demented. I do admire the attempt to create a modern big Christian apocalypse story but this weird take on Cain and Abel doesn’t really cut it for me. It also makes fuck all logical sense- why for example, does Stone bother killing President R. Lee Emery? It’s incomprehensible, because David is clearly going to tell him to bugger off afterwards, it’s what he’s done all film. Then, as if that isn’t odd enough, why is he bothering to unleash the plagues on mankind- and the big rallying speech where York is dementedly screaming “I am the Lord” while firing magic lightning at the crowd has to be seen to be believed. The whole film is basically building up to the big battle at the end, so none of this claptrap in the middle makes sense at all, even if it is frankly hilarious. As the final coup de grace in this film, almost all the American dialogue is ludicrously tub-thumping patriotic bilge- and very funny bilge at that, even if it sounds like discarded lines from Braveheart.

 

Hehehehe- that's really funny and I'm not sure why.

Then there are the effects. Some of them, such as the Shadow demons, are well done and quite slick, and for the most part it looks like an expensive CGI-fest, and the computer generated imagery is no worse than something like I Am Legend. However, when Satan sheds his York suit and stands before us in his full demonic glory he looks, well, a bit shit and unbelievably the word that leaps to mind is “cuddly”. This is not the dark lord of hell- he wouldn’t look out of place in a toy shop. Still, the ambition behind the effects in this film is commendable, and I have to say it’s much better to aim high and miss spectacularly than aim really low and still miss by a distance greater than Don Murphy’s waistline.

 

CAN YOU DIG IT?

Overall this is a grand and epic disaster of a film, and yet at the same time it’s fucking hilarious and completely demented. Whatever the fuck Brian Trenchard-Smith (the director) was going for here, and I haven’t a fucking clue, it certainly isn’t what ended up on screen. In a weird sort of way I do recommend this, but don’t do it sober- this is a spectacularly loopy and stupid film, and as a direct result of ambition outstripping ability an amazingly entertaining one. For all the wrong reasons, of course, but nevertheless, Megiddo: The Omega Code 2 is an absolute riot.

Until next time,

Jarv.

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