Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time

My dear boy, where I come from, the only thing a virgin is good for—is sacrifice.

Jarv’s Rating: Half a Chang and I’m being fucking generous with that.

Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time was a crushing disappointment. I had thoroughly enjoyed the orignal effort, and a quick glance at the cast of the sequel had me convinced that it was going to be solid gold. It isn’t, it’s solid shit. I should have known, really, that it was going to be terrible- the subtitle “Through the portal of time” gives away that they’re going to transplant Dar+ baddy to the 20th Century. I was, however, completely unprepared as to how bad it actually is.

I have a theory about sequels- the longer between them, the greater the drop off in quality (this does not bode well for the forthcoming Leprechaun sequel). Seriously, Star Wars Prequels are crap, Indiana Jones 4 was crap, Hannibal (book and film) are both crap and so forth. This sequel was made 9 years after Dar kicked some ass in the original, and they’ve clearly forgotten everything that was good and made it much more kiddie friendly to boot. There isn’t a single solitary boob sighting, the violence is completely lame and for some inexplicable reason they decided to try for a wanky “fish out of water” type comedy. Needless to say, it’s an epic failure (sorry).

Funnily enough, it all starts very promisingly. There’s a nice scrolling story summary at the start, and the epic score is still intact. Basically, it’s some short time after the events of the original, and this massive bastard, Arklon (Wings Hauser), has seized power. The only hope for freedom is Dar’s motley rebel army on the Eastern border. Dar has been captured by Arklon and is undergoing trial for (amongst other things) being a witch. Unsurprisingly, he’s guilty. However, before he can be executed his animal pals turn up, free Dar, kick some ass and they escape. This sequence, while enjoyable, actually had the first alarm bell going: Dar is kicking some ass with a fucking huge axe and instead of beheading one of the evil judges he hits him in the face with the flat of it. However, I put this aside, considering that as the judge is technically a civilian and Dar is a hero so therefore he shouldn’t be executed. More fool me. Dar then travels into the swamp, encounters Swamp Thing’s uglier sister (turns out it’s actually Dar’s aunt) who tells him of a prophecy. He has to travel to the west to kill his elder brother who is a bit of a cunt, apparently. No prizes for guessing who the elder brother is.

Meanwhile, Arklon has staged an ambush on a group of rebels (aided and abetted by a witch played by Sarah Douglas), and used his magic key of whatnot to blow them up. In return the witch shows him the portal of time (conveniently opening on 20th Century LA), and promises eternal power in the form of a Nuetron Detonator. While they’re looking at it, Senators daughter Jackie (an excruciating Kari Wuhrer) is being chased in her Porsche by the plod and through a series of events too tedious to go into, ends up crashing through the portal of time. One thing leads to another and Dar has to travel to LA to foil Arklon- cue an hour of mild embarrassment for all concerned.

This is, as I’ve already said, shit. And it’s shit for several reasons. Firstly, the entire LA segment is boring and embarrassing. The hackneyed fish out of water shit is annoying, and there’s a particularly lame sequence where Arklon and witch go shopping. The supporting cast are all utterly hopeless stereotypes (particularly the police), and the special effects are diabolical. Furthermore, they throw continuity out of the window by reanimating one of the ferrets, and the tiger has changed colour- which probably validates the spray paint story from the first film. However, having said all that, I’ve not got to the real reason that this film blows.

Marc Singer plays Dar with the same twinkly eyed charm as he did in the first film, and Wings Hauser stumbles around spitting malevolent hammy evil at everyone else. When they’re on screen alone the film is actually quite watchable. Unfortunately, most of the time they’re on screen with either (in Dar’s case) Kari Wuhrer, or (in Arklon’s case) Sarah Douglas. These are 2 of the most annoying characters and even more irritating performances that I’ve ever seen. To be fair to Douglas, her character is little more than a shallow bitch, and she sucks because she looks actively embarrassed to be forced to use ridiculously self-conscious modern argot while dressed as a medieval slut- she almost winces when she has to tell Arklon that “you’re a difficult man to book a meeting with”. Kari Wuhrer, on the other hand has no such excuse. It’s one of the most irritating characters that I’ve ever seen- being simultaneously boring, vapid and obnoxious and dense, and her performance manages to make it even worse. Her acting stinks more than a dead iguana. I would forgive this if she got her tits out for the camera, but she doesn’t- and it’s a real shame, because she is smoking hot with spectacular cans. 

The guilty parties

 To make matters worse, there’s a series of totally inept post-modern style in-jokes. One that sticks in my mind, because it’s been done so many times, is that Dar and Jackie are cruising down the street when they pass a cinema playing Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time. As if- there isn’t a prayer this shite got a cinema release. Then there’s the elaborately set up eating modern food sequence, or the previously mentioned Barbarian villain does Pretty Woman scene. All unfunny and all lame.

Overall, would I recommend this? Fuck no, it’s dreadful garbage that is not even entertaining on a base level. There’s none of the prerequisites for a Barbarian movie- no nudity, no gore, and to make matters worse they decided to use child friendly violence. The plot was written up by retards in crayon on toilet paper- it’s almost like someone said “that first Beastmaster film was good fun with a lot of heart, but it really needed a few car chases”, and it features two of the worst performances it’s ever been my misfortune to see. It’s a real shame, because Marc Singer and Wings Hauser make an excellent set of antagonists, but unfortunately they aren’t anywhere near good enough to relieve the pain and suffering that takes place when the two women are on screen. Avoid.

It almost makes me want to go back and up the Chang rating on the first film to 3 again, as the original really looks superb in comparison. Finally, for no particular reason other than you may as well get something from this review, this is what Kari Wuhrer can look like:

Until next time when I’m finishing off the most ill advised triple bill that I’ve seen in a long time,

Jarv.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

46 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time”

  1. Bartleby says :

    Jarv,

    I remember seeing this as part of a triple feature of sequels we rented back in the early 90s.

    There was Gate 2 (meh), Trancers 2(good) and this (terrible).

    In fact, I’m pretty sure this movie is the reason John Voigt later strangled Kari to death for, using only his legs.

    • Jarv says :

      In fact, I’m pretty sure this movie is the reason John Voigt later strangled Kari to death for, using only his legs.

      What was that?

      • Bartleby says :

        Anaconda, silly face.

      • Jarv says :

        Funny, I don’t remember it being Kari

      • Bartleby says :

        Yup, here’s a pic of her getting choked out:

        http://www.cinemorgue.com/kariwuhrer.jpg

        I distinctly remember that when the movie came out, someone made the mistake of letting her talk about it on the press circuit.

        She said something like “The message of Anaconda is that you shouldn’t mess with something as amazing and majestic as The Amazon’.

        Not quite a direct, quote but close.

        She gives hilarious interviews though.

        For example:

        Do you like bald guys?

        Kari Wuhrer: Absolutely. I do! I just broke up with a bald guy, but it wasn’t because he was bald … It’s because he was an asshole!

        What do you look for in a guy?

        Kari Wuhrer: Usually lazy, co-dependent, feeble men.

        What do you do for stress relief?
        Kari Wuhrer: If all is going well in my life — sex with my boyfriend, or a beautiful man. And if all is not going well — sex with myself.

      • Jarv says :

        She CLEARLY needs more work. Just for the interviews.

      • Bartleby says :

        yea, and one more for the road:

        What is your favorite movie?

        Kari Wuhrer: Harold & Maude. Or Cool Devices — this Japanese Anime Porn — it’s a toss-up!

      • Jarv says :

        She is GREAT.

        I’m now going to watch more of her films, just for that answer.

        Bet they all suck, though.

  2. Bartleby says :

    by the way, how helpful that the box cover has to add “the long awaited sequel to Beastmaster” as if the ‘Beastmaster 2′ doesn’t give it away.

    No matter, from my memory, this is actually better than the third movie.

    • Jarv says :

      It isn’t. The third movie is much, much funnier than this.

      Casper in ludicrous fright wig. Tony Todd hitting people with a big stick, slutty witch, slutty mercenary, “Shroud of agony”, and big plastic monster that starts every sentence with “Hey”.

      Neither are remotely as good as the original.

      Which reminds me, what’s that film with the posessed Teddy Bear?

      • Bartleby says :

        haha, I do remember that now…Beastmaster 3 is a tv movie right, done in the wake of the Hercules/Xena series? So, it was kind of smirking stupidity?

        Yea, it was better then. I think I was remembering that woeful Ralph Moeller Conan series instead.

      • Jarv says :

        It isn’t good. It is very, very bad.

      • herr milflover says :

        The Moeller Conan series was alright, and he had Kramer’s bearded midget friend as a sidekick!
        I used to watch that at like 2am in syndication, not that I’m holding my breath for a dvd box set.

      • herr milflover says :

        When I saw Gladiator in theater, I actually said “hey that’s Conan!” to my brother when Moeller first appeared.

  3. Bartleby says :

    and Jarv, there’s absolutely no way around this. Since you opened up the box of barbarian cinema, you MUST review this one soon:

    Yor: Hunter from the Future. Seriously, the theme song alone is fried gold.

    • Jarv says :

      I’m off work for a while now

      HMV have fucked up sending my PS3, so I won’t have it before easter, so instead I’m going to download Yor, Deathstalker (and sequels), The Pit and a few others.

      Which pisses me off, I want to play FF13 and sit on the sofa.

  4. Bartleby says :

    Jarv, if you are just sitting around being a slag, respond to my last email.

  5. Hawaiian Organ Donor says :

    There was a sequel????!!!! And a third movie even????!!!! Good Lord. I never knew.

    I saw the first movie on HBO about a quarter century ago now. Have not seen it since.

    Speaking of Mark Singer, I caught V: The Final Battle on SyFy last night. Hard to believe I loved it as a kid because that was high cheese. How that campy crap ever entertained me is baffling.

  6. Hawaiian Organ Donor says :

    The funny thing is, there were parts of the original V movies that frightened me back then, but looking back on it last night I can’t imagine what they were.

    And the music. Dear Lord the music.

    Even Michael Ironside couldn’t save it.

  7. Stuntcock Mike says :

    You had me at “Kari Wuhrer”

    • Jarv says :

      No boob sighting, not even a low cut top.

      • Stuntcock Mike says :

        Don’t matter Jarv. She was ‘bate worthy even in The Hitcher 2: I’ve Been Waiting.

        Not even a suggestion of nudity in that one.

        I mean, this is just fine……

      • Lordbronco says :

        Wow! Mike figured out how to get pron to play on my itouch!
        Hats off, sir!

      • herr milflover says :

        SCHWIIING!!!

        I havent seen Hitcher 2, but I’m guessing those are the best two minutes of that movie.
        Would be even better if they didnt keep cutting away to that Luke Perry lookalike.

      • Jarv says :

        As may be mike- but she’s at least down to a bikini.

      • koutchboom says :

        I don’t know guys, Stephen Baldwin has had his mits all over her in some random ass B-movie.

  8. lordbronco says :

    This sequel is utter and complete rubbish, dipped in shit. but, you sir feel the cosmic forces pulling at your mind-your own subconscious *is* telling you that BeastMaster 1 deserves 3 changs.

    Quick story, my sister and her boyfriend like it so much, they actually went and bought pet ferrets and kept the things for years just because of one movie.

    Btw, the critters have a beastly odour that cannot be captured on celluoid-can only be witnessed in real life…

  9. Tom_Bando says :

    Kari is so fine in the pool. Oscar calibre performance.

  10. DocPazuzu says :

    Where to start?

    1) I fucking LOVE Kari Wuhrer — so much, in fact, that I constantly forget she was in Beastmaster 2. I WILL have her one day, oh yes, I will.

    2) Possessed teddy bear = The Pit. An awesomely funny, stupid, sleazy, fucked up gem of a horror flick.

    3) Singer cameoed as Dar in the Bestmaster show. Never saw it.

    4) The Ralf Moeller Conan was fucking HEINOUS. Damn you, executive producer Sam Raimi! Damn you TO HELL!!!!

  11. DocPazuzu says :

    Jarv,

    You neglected to mention Singer’s gay perm. WTF was up with his hair in this flick?

  12. LoveSarahDouglas says :

    T’es vraiment qu’un gros connard de dire du mal de ce film de fou.Tu traite Kari Wuhrer et Sarah Douglas mais moi j’parie que t’arriverez meme pas a faire un film comme ça pauvre débile,tu dit que Sarah c’est qu’une chienne et qu’elle gache tout mais moi j’la kiffe alors :VA TE FAIRE ENCULER SALE ENFOIRE DE FILS DE PUTE ET CREVE EN ENFER POUR TES MALJUGEMENT!!!

    • Jarv says :

      Am I getting abused in a foreign language?

      Let me take this to babelfish.

      • Jarv says :

        OK.

        Erm. Non, je n’ai pas. J’ai dit que son personnage était une chienne peu profondes. Pas personnellement. Ce n’est pas sa faute si elle est de la merde dans ce film terrible.

        Avez-vous vu ce tas? Si vous avez, même si vous avez clairement l’amour Sarah Douglas, alors même que vous concéder que ce n’est pas un bon film et les déchets à la fois Miss Douglas et Miss Wuhrer.

        Je sais que l’anglais n’est pas votre langue maternelle, mais vous avez clairement manqué les nuances et les subtilités de l’examen, si bien vouloir faire foutre.

        Merci.

        Jarv, fait son peu de relations entre l’UE

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