Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Megaforce
Jarv’s Rating: 3 Changs- hilarious.
Megaforce is a subtle and compelling story about the problems of being homosexual in the US Army in the 1980′s.
Only joking, it’s actually a “serious” action movie about an international army that all wear lycra jumpsuits, are led by a man with a penchant for pastel blue bandanas and use state of the art weaponry including flying motorbikes that emit smoke in the colour of the rainbow flag to distract the enemies. They also live in an underground bunker with no women, and their preferred tactics invariably involve “taking the enemy up the rear.”
So not gay in the slightest, then.
Megaforce is a camp classic. It’s absolutely hilarious, completely over the top and bordering on ridiculous. There’s plot holes aplenty, cheesy acting, terrible special effects (the flying motorbike in particular is awful), and it has a synth score that could have come straight from a gay club.
The year is 1982. Some imaginary nation that I can’t be bothered to look the spelling up of is being tormented by evil General Guerro. General Byrne-White and his fetching sidekick Major Zara in desperation turn to the only homosexual international army around to come in and kick some arse. What follows is a masterpiece of gay innuendo, gloriously stupid battle scenes, and a frankly magnificent fake “fuck you” ending.
Megaforce, aside from having all the state of the art technology in the world (don’t ask), is commanded by the splendid Major Ace Hunter. Aside from his penchant for pastel blue bandanas, he’s apparently the finest military commander on the planet. He’s supported by proud to be redneck Dallas and nerdy scientist Egg. They’re a motley crew alright, but what they lack in brains they make up for in sheer gung-ho stupidity.
The acting, as noted, is terribly cheesy. Barry Bostwick as Ace is downright hilarious. He tries to deliver every line with a twinkle in his eye leading to much unintentional comedy (especially in his exchanges with Zara which have all the chemistry of a glass of water). Michael Beck (much better known as Swan in The Warriors) is also hilarious as Dallas. Someone must have known how bad they were when this was being filmed.
Aside from the monumentally dreadful acting, the script delivers its fair share of howlers. There’s a scene with Dallas and another soldier comparing size of something or other, but they’re blatantly comparing cock size and even hold their hands up in a “my fish is this big” gesture. You can’t buy comedy like that.
Aside from generally atrocious dialogue, the film is also monumentally stupid. Ace and General Guerro (Duke, for no apparent reason) go back a long way, except Ace is pissed off because Duke stole his lighter. Never steal the leader of the pink brigade’s engraved Zippo. Bad evil General. Anyway, half way through the operation, the General flies in in a helicopter and this leads to much hugging. I always believed that hugging was a major part of desert warfare and it’s nice to see it confirmed.
The climactic battle is even dumber, the General tells them that they can only fly out from a dry lake. Because this is clearly the only place in Gambia (groan) that a big Hercules jet can land. So, to be fair, he offers Ace a way out. Ace refuses because he won’t leave his men. What a guy! Anyhow, Duke is a bit of a bastard so has parked all his tanks with the mountains to the back of them facing the lake so if Megaforce want to escape, then they have to drive right into gunfire. Except the silly bastard forgot about the major road through the mountains behind him. This is meant to be a “hidden trail” but it’s fucking PAVED! Cue big battle, with Megaforce busting through the tanks, releasing multicoloured smoke to disguise them, and piling on to the plane. Except someone forgot Ace, but it’s OK, because his motorbike can fly.
I honestly haven’t enjoyed a film as much as this one in ages. From the ridiculous faux-cool opening credits, with the laughable score, through the inane posturing and terrible dialogue, to the absolutely unbelievably dumb conclusion, I was in stitches. This film is high comedy.
Overall, I highly, highly recommend Megaforce. It’s great fun, and one of the most quintessentially bad films that I’ve ever seen. It’s almost a perfect example of how not to make a war movie (bodycount=0) and an absolute riot of unintended humour. Cretinous, atrocious shit of the highest order, but there’s nothing to beat it in terms of sheer comedy. A true dumbhouse classic.
Until next time,
About JarvWorkshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.
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