Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

“Get the motherfucking zombies out of this motherfucking strip club”

Jarv’s Rating: 1 Chang-Not completely terrible, but an open goal missed.

This should have been so fucking easy. Seriously, this is not hard- Zombies+ Strippers= hilarity and gold. This film is not gold. More like copper. There are moments of genius comedy, but overall I was left with the feeling that really, cretins, how did you manage to fuck this premise up so badly?

The film doesn’t hold a lot of promise when it first opens. To be honest, on first attempt, I actually turned it off as it induced a painful, horrible Ankle Biters flashback in me.  It opens outside “Romero” (har-de-fucking-har) in a parking lot (which brings me to a theory- the more time B-movies spend fucking about in a parking lot, the worse they are) with 2 talentless fuckers being attacked by some of the worst looking zombies that I’ve ever seen. Thankfully, this is a dirty red herring- it’s actually someone watching a terrible film on TV.

Thank fuck. Then the film starts proper, basically, there’s a movie scientist fucking around with green liquid again (when will they learn? Green liquid in films= bad things happening).  A fat junkie terms up to get his “crack cure” off the doc, there’s a fuck up, and he ends up taking a load of green crystals instead of the cure. It turns out that the green crystals transform people into the living dead.

Cut to strip club. Inside we’re introduced to our intrepid heroines, doing some of the most lackluster stripping ever, in fact, it’s not unreasonable to assume that they are already living dead. A load of crack whores have got hold of the zombie crack and eventually the mock living dead strippers are being attacked by real zombie crack whores, and forced to take refuge inside the strip club itself.

Our motley crew of heroes eventually overcome the zombie horde, using the exact same device used in (the far superior) Daybreakers-  but with added shit CGI. It’s pretty unoriginal and uninspiring stuff.

So, as with Splinter, given that it’s unoriginal, it has to be judged on it’s effectiveness, and this film comes a right cropper on this score. They were obviously attempting the ludicrously difficult tightrope of Comedy-Horror, but unlike Shaun of the Dead, they fall of the tightrope and plummet towards earth like a fucking lift with the cable cut.

The comedy, with one exception that I’ll come to in a minute, is execrable (the motherfucking zombies quote I used is actually real- I know it looks like I made it up, but I honestly didn’t). The Horror is non-existent. It’s just not scary, the gore is unconvincing and the effects are fucking dismal.

On the very basic levels of cinema this is a fail. The script is patchy (being kind), and the direction is sub-par. However, once again it falls victim to the curse of shit sound work. There’s an annoying hissing sound that runs all the way through the film. I thought originally that our DVD player or speakers were fucked, but it isn’t us. To make things more annoying, the dubbing is out of sync with the dialogue. It’s like watching an old Bruce Lee film, except without the inherent coolness or entertainment that comes with watching an old Bruce Lee film.

The acting is also fucking dismal. The woman that plays Dakota (I can’t be arsed to look up her name as she couldn’t be arsed to do anything that remotely resembles acting) is fucking awful on every level. Dallas is a bit better, and Harley is a little bit better as well. But really, nobody is good in this.

So given all the above, is there any reason to watch this film? Well, this film rated one Chang for me, and that is purely down to the character Johnny “Backhand” Vegas. Johnny is the local pimp, and he’s hilarious. He’s a complete fucking douchebag, obviously, and he is responsible for the motherfucking zombies line, but aside from that almost everything else he does is comic gold. There’s an absolutely hilarious moment when he takes on the horde and attempts to pimp slap his way to freedom. The end of the film (spoiler, but who gives a fuck), has him pimping out his last remaining zombified whore and hilariously staples a brunette wig to the whore’s head.

Overall, would I recommend this film? Not really. If it existed in a vacuum, then I might as Vegas does supply some chuckles and it is about strippers and zombies, but as we all know it doesn’t. Unfortunately for this effort, anyone with an interest in strippers, the undead or an unfortunate combination of them both can easily get their hands on the vastly superior Zombie Strippers.

Avoid this crap like a stripper’s used g-string, go and get Zombie Strippers instead- it’s much sharper, much funnier, much more gory and generally much better than this shitty effort.

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About Jarv

Workshy cynic, given to posting reams of nonsense on the internet and watching films that have inexplicably got a piss poor reputation.

20 responses to “Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!”

  1. xiphos0311 says :

    Isn’t it Zombies vs. Strippers every night in every club around the world?…at least that’s what I heard since you know I, of course, would not venture into such dens of inequity.

    On a positive Zombie note I watched Pontypool last night and it was a very effective movie with a very weird last 2 minutes which made no sense.

  2. Jarv says :

    I’m looking forward to that one.

    The strippers in this may as well be fucking zombies for the way they move

  3. Droid says :

    Stating the obvious, but I have no intention of seeing this. I need to check out Zombie Strippers though.

    • Jarv says :

      Zombie Strippers is fun. This isn’t. Zombie Strippers is much more professional than this- the cast is also quite good.

      Neither are scary, but there’s laughs to be had from ZS- Englund in particular is hilarious. As is paco the mexican. Jenna Jameson has never been better.

      • herrmilflover says :

        That’s not saying much considering Jameson is one of the most overrated pornstars in history. She looked decent in her early years but her few performances that I’ve seen were awful.

  4. Jarv says :

    I’ve got a shit load of bottom feeding stuff to review- most of it sounds unwatchable.

    At least the Shameless films are entertaining, if pointless. More anachronisms than anything else, and who doesn’t want to see Ornelia Muti naked?

  5. Continentalop says :

    Question to you zombie experts: has there been a zombie movie recently that uses actual voodoo mythology? Like they are animated by a hougan using magic and can only be destroyed by sewing their mouths up with salt? That kind of shit?

    • xiphos0311 says :

      Conti,

      The only one I can think of that semi meets your criteria is Serpent and the rainbow and that’s not recent

      • Continentalop says :

        The only one I could think of was an episode of the X-Files where they finished the storyline from Millennium. And that isn’t recent either…

      • xiphos0311 says :

        There has been 3 different X files episodes that dealt with Voodoo Mythology. The one you mentioned then there’s one that took place at detention center for Haitians and the bad guy was killing Marine guards and then they did pretty much the same story but set it in a prison and guards were getting killed.

        Yes I was an X Files dork.

      • Tom_Bando says :

        X files nerd that’s me too!

    • Jarv says :

      There must be-

      I’m sure that Baron Samedi features in a good few. Jonah is the person to ask though

  6. MORBIUS says :

    Thanks for the heads-up….pass on this one, maybe Zombie Strippers if I can find it.

  7. Jarv says :

    You would be/.

    Frank- go and lay your simian paws on Split Second.

    Trust me

  8. herrmilflover says :

    Green liquids also created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so they’re not all bad, I suppose this is the exception that proves the rule.

  9. MORBIUS says :

    Best usage of a Green Liquid was by Herbert West in ‘Re-Animator.” Having Barbara Crampton in it was another plus. Pictures (NSFW)

    http://www.celebritymoviearchive.com/tour/movie.php/9288

  10. Badguy says :

    ROFLMAO!

    I swear, I am the only person who ever attempted to watch ankle biters, hilarious.

    I turned that one off. epic mention.

    so this is not zombies vs strippers then?
    I will have to look for this.

    • Jarv says :

      No, Zombie Strippers is better than this, but Johnny and his Pimp Hand is also hilarious.

      Ankle Biters is epic crap- have you seen Head Cheerleader Dead Chearleader? that’s in the same league.

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