Inglourious Ass-Turds: the bowl winder review
Fuck you Cokey McFrankenstein Head
We Are DONE PROFESSIONALLY!
receives -356.715 negative Chang Heads
I am writing this missive in response to your latest “movie” Inglourious BasTURDS, which I made the mistake of renting on 16 December 2009. You remember that alleged “movie” right? It’s the “war” movie you ripped off from other good war movies and then committed the cardinal sin of making a boring film?
Mr. Mutant Squash Head, I would humbly suggest you stop writing and directing movies, you have no talent for this sort of endeavor. Now I realize your M.O. is to take Oriental chop-sockey fare, obscure European “cinema“ or grind house flicks and “homage“ them but contrary to what your ball lickers tell you, you are not talented. Instead sir, I would suggest that you take your ginormous coke addled head to the other side of the camera and act. It seems to me that is what you truly want to do anyways although the cinematographers would have to get an extra, extra wide angle lens in order to get your circus tent sized melon into the frame.
Mr. Potato Head I implore you to heed my request to quit writing and directing and here’s why. You don’t know me from Adam’s goat, I get that, I’m just some goofball writing a letter on a blog almost nobody will see. But the thing is this, I want to like movies, ALL movies, by everybody ALL the time; but you and your ilk, like Eli Roth, who I previously didn’t have much of an issue with, are making me start to hate movies with a passion that could charitably be called burning. You are a bunch of soulless hacks. I bet I could turn out a better movie without an ounce of training, any time spent working at a video store or a pile of cocaine the size of Texas. You know what? I’ll take the cocaine. Please have it sent to my future editor and my future music guy. Their names are Continentalops and Jarv.
Being brutally honest Mr. Frankenstein Head, you were never all that good in my opinion and this movie has further proven that the emperor has no clothes. Yes, Reservoir Dogs was a decent flick but then you made Pulp Fiction, which wasn’t and worse, made Travolta back into a bankable star. Your best most complete movie, Jackie Brown, only worked because you were just smart enough to not mess with Elmore Leonard’s fine story and the changes you made adapting the book to a film actually worked well. Unfortunately you then went right down the crapper with Kill Bill Vol 2 (1 was OK, decent fight scenes made up for the blah everything else) and you totally whiffed on your section of Grindhouse.
To be fair sir, it’s not entirely your fault. The slavering, asshole licking, want to be hipster dumb fucks that hold you up as some sort of skilled and talented movie maker fuel my hatred for you and your talentless humongous head.
Now before I ask a series of questions that I demand answers to, I want to state that there were some acceptable parts to Inglourious BasTURDS. The opening scene with LaPadite and Landa was well staged. Also, I would like to thank you for introducing me to Michael Fassbender who played Lt. Hicox. Fassbender was great in his ten minutes of time and since I’ve never experienced this fine actor before, I say thank you. I want to single out Christoph Waltz who played SS Colonel Hans Landa. You should send this guy money every year for the work he did on BasTURDS. Waltz was flat out fantastic. He could go from a smarmy bureaucrat to haughty and arrogant to slimy and self serving to very scary all in one sentence. He truly seemed like he was an SS-SD (Schutzstaffel-Sicherheitsdienst) officer.
Now on to the multiple problems with BasTURDS. I’m going to ask my questions and if you would get back to me pronto it sure would be appreciated.
*** SPOILERS AHOY IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED ***
1. What movie was Mr. Jolie acting in? It seemed like he was in an entirely different movie than everybody else.
2. What the hell was up with the music? Usually I don’t notice things like this because it doesn’t matter to me, but the music choices were uniformly dire and why did you have a semi hard rock song in there? Usually Cokey, you handle the music well. What happened?
3. Why was the movie so god awful boring? I swear to Buddha time stopped and went backwards while watching the movie. IB may have beat your previous record for stopping time you set in Grindhouse.
4. If you give Mr. Jolie a big speech about killing “natzee’s” (Cotton Hill pronunciation, eh?), how come they barely kill any until the end of the flick?
5. If you are making a movie about Jews killing Nazis, how come we don’t know any of the Jewish soldiers? Why give Stieglitz a big intro and not tell, hint or imply why he was killing SS Officers and then waste the character in a pointless scene?
6. Why all the stupid and self serving editing tricks? That’s also something I don’t usually notice but damn son, give the gimmicks a rest why don’t ‘cha? All the goofy crap you jizzed onto the screen took me out of the movie. For example, why the chapter cards?
7. What was up with your bum boy Eli Roth’s accent?. I didn’t have a problem with Roth until this movie. I liked Cabin Fever for what it was. Didn’t care for Hostel and skipped the second one and thought he had one of the better fake trailers for Grindhouse. Holy titty fucking Christ! What the hell was up with that bad Southie accent? And why did he scream all his lines? and why did you cast him. he was terrible in his five minutes of screen time. C’mon Cokey technically Roth grew up in Boston but in Cambridge on the the campus of Harvard University where his father was a professor. Cambridge has as much in common with Southie as a politician or lawyer has with telling the truth.
8. Why did it feel like I was missing important parts of the movie? Were you forced to make a bunch of cuts?
9. This part might have be blamed on the DVD I rented but why was the movie so quiet? I live in a tiny room and I had trouble hearing it unless the volume was cranked. And I have good speakers.
10. Again WHY was the movie so boring?
11. Still with the feet?
Sir, to sum it up, we are done. I will not be paying for another crap movie you make and I implore you stop making me hate movies.
I watched this after Taratino’s epic fail. Knowing was a damn fun flick. The hair piece dialed down the goofiness and it worked. Interesting story with an ending I didn’t see coming and decent SPX. Knowing cleansed the shit off of my palette that BasTURDS left behind.