Being a responsible parent 2: Hawk the Slayer

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Seeing as I’m taking the high road and setting out to make sure that Finn can safely watch any manner of movies without untold trauma, nightmares and growing up into a serial killer, I’m taking it on myself to watch as many of the films I saw as a kid to see how “Family friendly” they are. Last time I provided sage and sound advice when confronted with Childhood classic and young mind destroyer Watership Down (Suitable for all, my arse). This time around it’s another one from my childhood: Hawk the Slayer  Read More…

The Pot of Gore: Leprechaun Origins

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As The Church of Chang’s foremost lepologist, it’s my duty to review any Leprechaun movie out there. I first heard of a new Lep movie a couple of years ago, when the production company drank in my local boozer. They had the rights and were attempting to get Warwick back to bring us some more zany high-concept Lep fun. Sadly, they lost the rights and it passed on to WWE Studios- who instantly promised to reboot the series. Alarm bells began to ring at this point, if I’m honest. Nevertheless, WWE pressed ahead, and delivered unto us Leprechaun: Origins, and it’s now my sorry duty to bury the corpse of my favourite Horror franchise.

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Wolf Sees Ghosts: The Eagerly Un-Awaited Return Of Most Haunted

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I should’ve posted this over a month ago but I got ‘sidetracked’. Slightly out of date, I suppose, but never mind. It’s a piece about the resurrection of the cowardly TV paranormal investigation team, Most Haunted

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NIGHTCRAWLER: THE MORE FEMININE GYLLENHALL SIBLING OOZES ABOUT THE BENIGHTED LA LANDSCAPE

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If you are believer in the myth that only “faux’ news is deceitful and lying this isn’t the review for you. Also go fuck yourself for being a self-deluded cocksucker. If you think the shitbird hacks that work in the newsfotainment industry aren’t a slimy treacherous lying bunch of sociopaths then fuck you this isn’t the review for you and don’t have kids, the gene pool is already much too muddied for its own good. If you are easily offended by adult words and phrases such as cocksucker and motherfucker then hit the eject button NOW because this review is going to be full up with salty language due to my near pathological hatred for “news”, for “journalist” and anything to do with those lying in the tank peices of shit that work in the newsfotainment industry. You’ve been warned. Read More…

Halloween 2 (2009): Ending on a low note.

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It’s been long noted in the 5 years or so that we’ve been doing this that I’ll watch anything, and can usually find some enjoyment regardless of how wretched the subject matter. I’ve taken on series such as Children of the Corn that would have had the brain of a lesser man melting through boredom, and I’ve reviewed 165 schlocky low budget b-movie efforts. Therefore, when I say that I’ve struggled with this series, and damned nearly abandoned it, you get an idea about how awful this film is. I started this fucking series A YEAR AGO, and came within a gnat’s pubic hair of binning it as a rancid idea. But now I can say with some confidence that I’ve done it- I’ve now finished the Halloween films.

And it’s been a real struggle.

Contains mystifying sub-Lynchian dream sequences and spoilers below.

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Happy Belated Birthday to Us!

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Yeah, I’m shit. But hey, better late than never.

We officially passed our five year anniversary on October the 8th! So Happy Birthday to us. Read More…

Being a responsible parent: Watership Down

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This series is in no way me procrastinating and avoiding finishing the Halloween series. Honest.

For those of you that don’t know, I’ve recently entered the world of parenthood. So, the other day, I was standing perusing my DVD collection and noting the quite impressive amount of completely inappropriate material present there. We’re not talking one or two films that you wouldn’t show to a nipper, by the way, we’re talking only one or two films that you would feel comfortable with a child watching. This got me to thinking, and given that I’ve been quite patronising on my censorship series about crap parenting, about films I saw as a kid and whether or not I’d feel comfortable showing them to Finn. Fair enough, he’s only 5 months old so isn’t really aware of what’s on screen (accidental trauma caused by a viewing of Alien notwithstanding) but I was thinking, genuinely, what would I be happy with him watching? So, what I’m going to attempt here is a quick tongue in cheek look at some “Children’s classics” (most of which are not classic in the slightest, by the way) that I saw when young, and would I happily sit him down in front of it while I went to the pub. First up is beloved Children’s animation and not at all traumatic fascism analogy Watership Down.

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FURY: MR. JOLIE TAKES ON THE KRAUTS IN A MOBILE METAL BOX

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In WWII United States Armor forces took a hell of beating. The slaughter of tankers was almost as great as that of airmen or frontal assault/amphibious infantrymen. NAZI armor forces were highly experienced and had better safer tanks with larger higher velocity main tubes than the American Army heavy combat tank, the M4 Sherman. We learn all that in a title card at the start of Brad Pitt’s WW2 action flick Fury.

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At The Movies With Mum

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Today, I said my goodbyes and sent my Mum into the fire at Manchester Crematorium. She died Sunday, October 5. Just four days earlier, inspired by an article over at Verbal Spew (thanks ‘V’), I interviewed her about going to ‘the pictures’ back in the day. I hope you folk get something out of it – myself, I just needed to get something out there as a tribute. I didn’t know what else to do…

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Just Pillow Talk’s Marvel Movie Mayhem continues with a 2 for 1 special!

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Exactly what the title says. This time our intrepid reviewer has decided to take on 2 of the recent and shitty comic book adaptations being nut rubbed by the nerds, met with indifference by the general public while boring the arse off me.

Sadly, they’re not Ghost Rider 2. Although I am deeply troubled by his worrying Ex-Mrs. Martin obsession. Still, she seems to have had a conscious uncoupling from the Iron Man films now, so he’ll have to watch her try to act to get his fix.

Apologies for the late posting of this, I’ve had it for a while, but been buried under real life stuff. Nevertheless, Take it away Pillows… Read More…

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