Jarv’s entirely subjective and not at all coloured by personal prejudice list of the Greatest Songs written for films!

 

I haven’t done a list for a while, but it’s a quiet Friday and I’ve not watched anything due to the sun being out, and therefore compelled to go to the pub. However, a discussion earlier today led to me thinking about what are the greatest songs ever recorded for films?

To define the rules here- the song has to have been expressly commissioned and recorded for the movie. So the likes of Little Green Bag or Son of a Preacher Man are hereby prohibited from the list. Secondly, because Bond films could probably supply the whole list themselves, I’m only allowing 1 Bond theme. Thirdly, no Disney, because those tend to be musicals anyway, and the obvious candidate is Elton John’s Circle of Life from the Lion King. Which leads me in to 4, if I don’t like the artist in any way  then that’s out, so ta ta Elton, and also goodbye McCartney. Fifthly, no Rap/ Hip Hop, because as a genre it relies on samples, and the sample is invariably not commissioned for the film. Finally, I’m not doing this in any particular order- these all have merits, it’s just 10 great tracks.

And I’ll cheat if I feel like it. So, let the list/ pointless arguments commence! 

Blink (1994)

Director: Michael Apted

Starring: Madeleine Stowe, Aidan Quinn, Peter Friedman

Release date: January 26 (US). I’ve heard several positive murmurs about this one on here since it crashed onto my list, so I’m going in with hopes raised. May contain graphic eye surgery and spoilers…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Dead Clowns (2004)

As has been oft noted, these Birthday Series have a number of obvious benefits, as well as some serious flaws. One of the most noted benefits is that the very act of tracing cinema releases back opens up the possibility of seeing many films that may otherwise have passed by. One not so oft noted benefit, more of a bonus really, is that it gives the eminently patient and long-suffering Mrs. Jarv a respite from the garbage that I tend to review. Not that I necessarily think that such awesomeness should ever be described as garbage, but she’s much less lenient than I am. Nevertheless, there’s an equally oft cited downside to these films: if I haven’t heard of them, then chances are there’s a damned good reason for it.

In the case of 2004’s Dead Clowns, release date 23^rd August in the UK, which is a poster boy for this, it’s because it’s simply a fucking awful film that deserved to sink without trace.

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Red Eye (2005)

Wes Craven has had a strange career. He’s made some of the most iconic horror films of the modern era, but in between the Scream and Nightmare efforts he’s padded his CV with what can only be described as utterly blah movies. Red Eye is one of the latter, and nobody in their right mind is ever going to claim this as a classic. However, by the same score, it’s not at all worth me destroying being a totally mundane and inoffensive way to pass the time. Just not a particularly interesting one.

Contains a seriously struggling reviewer and minor spoilers  below.

Matinee (1993)

Director: Joe Dante

Starring: John Goodman, Cathy Moriarty, Simon Fenton

Release date: January 29 (US). Dead pleased when this dropped in, been wanting to see Matinee for years. Initially foiled by the lack of a rental or download, I bought the bugger for £3 off Amazon! May contain a giant ant and spoilers…

Made in Britain: Dead Man’s Shoes (2004)

Dead Man’s Shoes, Shane Meadows’ 2004 revenge film is consistently rated as one of the greatest British Films of all time. Admittedly, it’s usually Empire, film magazine for the hard of thinking, dishing out the plaudits, but nevertheless, it comes up every single time. Inexplicably, I somehow missed watching this, but my recent brush with Paddy Considine’s Tyrannosaur reminded me that I always meant to dig up this earlier effort. So, is it one of the greatest British films of all time?

Contains bullied special needs people and spoilers.

Jarv’s Schlock Vault Toadkillerdog recommends number 2: Cemetery Man

“You’re supposed to be setting a good example. Now will you get back to your coffin immediately!”

This is an odd one. Frankly. Toadkillerdog is one for one on the recommendation front so far, with Massacre at Central High proving to be a highly watchable slice of exploitation. However, this time round, he’s sent me off to delve in Italian Horror, which I’ve had very little luck in. Furthermore, Michele Soavi’s Dellamorte Dellamore (Cemetery Man to you and me) has recently been released in the UK by Shameless, purveyors of crap. If there’s one DVD imprint that I’ve with almost no luck with, then that would be Shameless. The omens, frankly, aren’t good for this one, and I’m a little bit scared. Not that the film will be frightening, because Shameless films are never actually frightening, but there’s a high chance that it will be disturbing, minging, and feature enough gigantic Italian bush to hide the rabbit population from Night of the Lepus in.

Contains metaphysics and shit and spoilers.

Shining Through (1992)

Director: David Seltzer

Starring: Melanie Griffith, Michael Douglas, Liam Neeson

Release date: January 31 (US). This replaces the unavailable Hurricane Smith. Am I missing anything there? I’m only asking because this Shining Through bollocks is unbelievable. May contain Berlin-quality strudel and spoilers…

Jarv’s Birthday Series Redux: Volver (2006)

The Birthday Series always seems like such a great idea when you take it on. 34 films, spread over a couple of months spanning the highbrow and the low, covering almost every genre and usually containing a great mix of films that I’ve been meaning to rewatch, haven’t seen or at least can be interesting about. However, a moment of introspection tells a different story, as they almost always have periods that contain hideous film after hideous film, runs that drain the soul and leave the humble reviewer a shaking wreck on the floor. When you couple it with that certain dates appear to be the release time of choice for certain types of films, then what you have is a series that can, potentially, claim to be the most difficult any of us take on. This is my second run through the Birthday Series, and this time I’ve been forced to take on a lot of second and third choice films from the original attempt. So, it’s time for Almodovar number 2 on my list, 2006′s Volver (release date August 25th).

Jarv’s Schlock Vault: Gymkata

Because, for the next two months, you’re going to toughen your mind and your body. It’s going to make your Olympic training look like finger-painting.

Gymkata is one of the legendary “awful” movies of the 1980′s. Simultaneously derided for being absolutely terrible on every conceivable level and adored for just those reasons, it really is a masterpiece of “bad” cinema. The sheer concept of Gymkata is so gleefully silly that I honestly think it doesn’t deserve the hate grenades thrown at it. Not to mention that it has a montage, and everyone loves a montage. Even Rocky had a montage. What we have here is a phenomenally entertaining piece of dumbhouse, a film that has no business existing and never once drops below the levels of stupidly hysterical. Gymkata is a magnificently cretinous movie, a blast from start to finish and kept me in absolute hysterics all the way through.